Lucid Dreaming, Joy and Exegesis

I have learned the skill of lucid dreaming, knowing that "this is just a dream" is a useful edge when I am trapped in a nightmare like I was early this morning. I can change elements of the story occasionally and if that doesn't work I can exit the dream on command. I woke myself, eject-button-style, when I realized that the story-line (telling my boys to clear the table, item by item by item while they ran off to other parts of the house after each fork or napkin) was only imaginary and that I didn't actually have to walk through that scenario in my sleep as well as in my waking hours. I woke up and lay there in the dark laughing about what a cheated dreamer I was, my brain having nothing better to conjure up for either dream material (if it was a dream) or scary nightmare fright (if it was a nightmare....which I decided was more likely). How lame!

A listened while I related my silly, exhausting dream, annoyed that I had experienced nothing beyond my hum drum real life. I chuckled at the joke that my own daily living had passed for nightmare material to my brain. Not scary, no....but draining and negative, for sure! And then, A said, "Yeah, you know, I'm struggling with that same attitude of unwilling participation with math with one boy right now, each problem means dragging him back into the task and forcibly directing his attention. I wish I knew what to do to fix it." I mused that I had been studying on that for quite a while myself! How to get  the boys to not only do their work but also to learn to cultivate a good attitude while they do it? Oh, to get them to be self-motivated with desire to complete the things they are given to do, with a love of the feeling of satisfaction, the value of industry and skill to find joy in the simple tasks! I get so endlessly sick of the starry-eyed yearning my boys have for video games and the heel dragging, eye rolling attitude they have about helping the family with any kind of work!

I lay there in the dark in my bed and there was silence for a second and then I added off-hand that despite all my searching, the only technique I had turned up was the super bland, usual "leading-by-example thing." We could improve that....and suddenly I was reeling mentally in deep conviction. How often do my boys hear me complain to my friends about the endless laundry pile or sigh heavily before I start washing the mountain of dishes, put off making my own bed because even the process seems discouraging to me or gripe at the end of the day about my righteously earned feeling of weariness??? Oh dear. So, I have no clever ways to teach loving work (bribes don't work so don't even say that....they only teach love of the bribe) except to learn the lesson myself and demonstrate it to my sons so that see and feel around how it is to love your work, to enjoy your own output and to feel useful in your own mundane place. What if my children never absorbed the lesson until adulthood when they were responsible for reminding themselves to work and only then learned to be cheerful about mowing the lawn, helping with carrying in the groceries and picking up Lego after Lego after Lego? Would it be worth it? Would I put in the effort for that end-goal? Absolutely. One thousand times yes!!!! What if I knew that my boys would never, ever "get it" but my own life would change and I would have the virtue I so badly want them to develop? Is it worth it to work simply for my own improvement and the knowledge that I could live my life with the ability to find warmth and goodness in the things I now claim are the bane of my existence? Yes, if it were a sure thing, I'd do it then too.

Suddenly, my mind flew to my friend who I had been wracking my brain to help. This particular pal had been complaining about the grind of her life, the way everything seemed the same and she had nothing to look forward to. I had been thinking about how to suggest ways for her to add thrills to her existence. Could she paint like I do? Write on the side? Get away for ladies nights out with friends once a month? Maybe she was in the wrong career and taking destiny in her hands and changing jobs no matter the cost and work was the thing! This particular friend is rather taken with scriptural advice so I had been looking through scripture for something to support my intended suggestions. Alas, I had been able to find only instructions to: "work at whatever you do with your whole heart," "render your services with good will, working as to the Lord," have a "cheerful heart [which is] good medicine while a crushed spirit dries up the bones," "enjoy the good of all your labor for it is the gift of God," "commit your work to the Lord and your plans will succeed," "work with enthusiasm as if working for the Lord," "excel in your work because you know your labor is not in vain," know that "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" and know that "all hard work brings a profit."
And if you can believe it, I had stopped my exegesis there in a spirit of annoyance at not being able to find anything useful. *head desk*

Here, in the early hours of the morning....the words barely out of my mouth that the only thing I had thought of to help my boys was the boring suggestion to lead by example, and with a litany of scriptural inducements towards humility and joy in mundane work running ticker-tape-style through my mind...I laughed out-loud. Maybe my decision to categorize the dream as a nightmare and my reaction to eject in disgust from the plot were illustrative of something important and maybe it had been given to me as a dream to help me reexamine something I needed to learn. Isn't even teaching and re-teaching unwilling pupils, correcting their work kindly over and over and over....the work I have been given? Why am I complaining about this? Why am I not working to find joy there?

I had intended to teach honesty to my kids and share vulnerably that "Mommy understands your feeling of sloth" and I had accidentally stopped there and not progressed to teaching the vulnerability of Mommy wanting to learn love of industry too, and the authenticity of the fact that sometimes I need to change my own attitude to make things go the way they ought to. There is nothing in any of these things that is actually bad, I'm lucky to have so many dishes to wash, so many clothes to fold, to have all these little boys to teach and to have a husband who humbly asks me to pick up the slack he can't carry instead of doing in all himself or hiring assistance. These are gifts. I need to shoulder my lucky burdens like I'd pile so many presents into the car after a Christmas visit....with gratitude and cheer, showing my sons, my id and my ego the truth of intentional, grateful industry and how it triumphs over the lie of drudgery.

"Work hard, but not just to please your masters when they are watching. As slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart.
Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people."
Ephesians 6:6

Leaning into December

Feeling restful about this season. December is here and we are gearing up for Christmas, winter, cold, internal times. I have good books lined up on my nightstand (parenting, in-law relationships, fantasy stories, travel guides!!!), a good stock of Earl Grey and a long list of small renovation tasks on the house. I'm all for the chilly months. Lets bring it!

Ru is getting to be a smooth reader which is pretty exciting. I sometimes worried it would never happen. Teaching kids to read reminds me so much potty training. Its partly about them and partly about training yourself and it takes so much faith in your kid and eventuality and so much letting go and taking yourself less seriously. Dee is partway through reading instruction and even Nib is beginning. Little steps.

A and I are continuing to work on our marriage in little steps too. Building trust together has been one of our recent big jobs. I highly recommend the eminent John Gottman's book, The Science of Trust.  I am ridiculously grateful for the tips in that book. We got into a real tailspin in our connection and life together. Its amazing how easy it is once you have a few bad patterns, to pattern your way right into completely hopeless and even emotionally dangerous place. Isn't it wonderful though, to know that people change, that we are the masters of our own choices and that we can make what we like of our lives???? I can't tell you how much I adore being a grown-up. Gottman is a great resource....maybe the most helpful information for A, I felt like I could breathe again after I read Brene Brown's, Daring Greatly and it helped me learn to how to be assertive and yet truly kind...both things I desperately needed. If you have a tough or impossible relationship where you feel stuck...keep trying shit.

 Seriously. It's worth it. You don't have to hate your mom or stop speaking to your next door neighbor or give up on your son, relationships are repairable, human connection skills are learnable and you can learn how to be a better you. I feel like an infomercial. Ha! Whatever. Trust is my new favorite. I know how to make it now and earn it and it's like totally fulfilling super-glue. I love it when I learn new things that I never, ever thought I could hack. Hear me roar!!!!

Marriage and parenthood both have made me ugly cry more than anything in my life. Ever. They've been ridiculously hard for me. Seriously, though....they are also the things that have pushed my edge and helped me learn fantastic things and two of the places where I am most proud of myself. The things that are your most painful experiences are the things that can be your best teachers, if you're game. The key is not giving up, looking the things that terrify you in the eye, remembering the things that are working and trying hard to solve the problems...try ardently, unceasingly, and ever hopefully. We are all in this together. Some of us are writhing with agony over the hard stuff that is career, some of us are socially pained by our difficulty in friendships, and some of us are looking like crazy people because we can't figure out how to teach our kids to be gentle. This is real life. (<------ all="" and="" are="" botch-ups="" favorite="" hacking.="" keep="" my="" of="" overcomers.="" p="" saying="" sorry="" us="" we="">

Trying for Stable

Am home and it feels good. A bit overwhelming but good. I spent yesterday soaking in the company of a few friends after stocking up on local raw milk and good fresh eggs from a farmer friend. Family is good but they fill a different tank than my mommy-friend community. It was nice to be back. Had a lot of good discussion, shared some laughs and let our children run wild together in one big squirming heap in the wading pool in front of us.

After the visiting I promptly went home and had a great big panic about the state of the practical things in my home. I washed the dishes before leaving and did all the laundry but there are still 4,000 things that suddenly need doing. How does that happen?!? The tomatoes need tying up, the cucumbers are in desperate need of harvesting, the front of our house looks abandoned for want of string-trimming, there are clothes to sort and put away after all that laundry, suitcases to unpack, a fridge that needs cleaning etc. etc. etc. I am not sure if I feel more inspired and ultra-motivated or overwhelmed and snowed under. Tough to decide sometimes.

I am trying to take today and get my feet under me, make some parts of my home pretty again and begin an organization/sanity restoring plan. There is never time enough to get every little thing in my life in order but I am determined to do the very best I at making productive stabs in the windows of time I get. Life is so punctuated by nursing breaks and potty visits and diaper changes and naps these days that I find it very hard to work on anything very cohesively. I live a pixelated existence with any number of fragmented, mosaic-style goals on my current plate.

Am trying to be in the moment, live easily, speak love and also work ambitiously towards creating the kind of life I mean to live. "Let the standards slip only when you must!" I tell myself, "But never cheapen the standards to make them weak or anemic just because life is full of challenge." Its a tall order but its the path I'm on right now.  I lit a candle, I made a nice To Do List, and I'm hacking away over here. If you feel like bringing an understanding spirit, a load of inspiration and a giant mint-iced tea...feel free to drop by!

Greening and Cleaning

The world is greening, the lawn wants mowing already and our new baby guinea pigs are living high on boy offerings of dandelions and grass blades by the fistful. We have been spending a lot of time outdoors. The garden is in, all but the tomatoes, the corn and the possible melon plants which I am waiting on just a little, little while. I feel quite accomplished....as long as I don't think too hard about my spring cleaning plans.

 Spring Cleaning is hard. It's grueling, back-breaking, mind-bending, knee throbbing work by design...that's why it's only done once or twice a year. We can't really put out this sort of effort very often and when we do we go all out. I'm not sure how much pressure to put myself under while pregnant.
There's a piece of me that says:

          "You better push hard now girl! You think its hard to clean this house when you're shaped like a beach ball and everything aches? Just wait till you're trying to heal up from birth and nurse in all your waking hours. This is the time. Don't whine. Just get it done." 

And then there's the voice that says:

           "Heh. Right. You're enormous, everything hurts, and who really spring cleans anymore anyway. All your friends think you're insane! Just mop the floors and give yourself gold stars for even attempting the job. There's always later."

Which little shoulder voice to obey....what to do, what to do? At the moment I am weakly still claiming to be cleaning and making tiny, little feeble stabs at the list every day now for the second freaking week running. Am I duping myself or am I a Spartan of a woman, fierce in my stubborn desire to make it through, even if it means accomplishing it all at a crawl? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll still give up. It remains to be seen.

 In other news, A is off work this week...he took some time for sanity segue before his new job he's starting (cue confetti!) so we have him around the house all week in varying measures which has been super productive and quite fun. His new position will be similarly geeky (programming extraordinaire) but at a local company a little closer to our house, right in our own city no less. He just breezed into the house from a test run rollerblading to the new job site....30 minutes by blade from our front door. Not bad....honestly its exactly the same by car minus the exercise credits.

All Abuzz

Am abuzz with a million little projects around the house. Since painting the hallway I have painted the entryway, painted a little cupboard that stands there to be a foyer catch-all/storage piece, hung a new piece of art, re-arranged the mantle display over the fireplace, sourced a free dresser for my boys room and moved clothes into it, pruned the lilac and finally I hung up my necklace collection that has been living sprawled all over the top of my dresser. Hooray! Whew!

Am feeling sometimes busy and sometimes accomplished and then sometimes way behind the ball when I look at all the astounding numbers of projects waiting for attention. Writing out the list of things that are all finished so that I can look at them in one long queue is boosting. Does anyone else add things to their To Do List that you already did so that you can feel you've got something done? It's a silly mind game but knowing the games is sometimes what makes the difference.

Together Work

This morning we went out and had an early family work bee in the yard. A has started "working out" two mornings a week in our own yard: moving wheelbarrow loads of garden goods, hoisting stones, digging holes for me, hacking bushes apart and other little homeownery, outdoor chores. It is so fun to have him chip in and the boys and I always try to put on our garden gloves and outdoor boots and join in. I am sure the neighbors must think we're crazy, all out there in the yard together at 7 AM but we're having fun, we're actually getting the outdoor work done and there's something so very seasonal about being out in the thick of it like that.

We've seen the first frost and the first leaf color firsthand, noticing all the tiny changes as they come because we're out there, saturated in it on those work mornings, breathing clouds of frosty steam and kicking through the first falling leaves. Another great bonus? When we finally come in, peeling off work gloves and stamping our feet, we bring our heartiest appetites to the breakfast table. Oatmeal never tasted so good!

Lately we've: dug the ephemeral summer bulbs and put them into the basement for storage, finished stacking the stone wall along the back property line, given the hedge one last trim for the year, and now the boys and A are busily stacking up a big pile of wintery kindling to heap into a cardboard box in the basement where it will dry out thoroughly waiting its turn by the fireside. I am thinking about tying them into little bundles with garden twine, would make transport easier and also look really cute.

This family-work is a new thing for us, we've historically been pretty thin on genuine group-efforts but somehow we've hit the right sort of activities and time-slot. It feels good to work together, not just play together...and it feels really right to be working as a group to manage and maintain our little plot of land....even if it is just a little farm in the city.

Kind Time Management

Am struggling with Time Management. Urgh. This is a concept I struggle with. I am afraid of being a controlled and obsessive, scheduled and freakishly non-human person. I also have a big problem with prioritization because I have trouble cutting things out of my life. I have a huge issue with limiting myself to only x number of things that I "have time to do" because that means I cut other things and it also means I may never realize my potential because, see, I'm limiting myself to imagined potential preemptively. Yes, I'm a little over idealistic but, I like that about myself. I wanna be that way, you know? I want to have a lot in my life and I want to push my limits a little and see what crazy amounts of stuff I can get done that I never imagined would work into "the plan."

Yes, and that's great usually but, we've made some major changes in our daily schedule lately and that has been a killer for me. Suddenly, the kids and I are chronically overtired, I have no discretionary time, and there's a million things I'm panicky about that aren't getting done or aren't happening fast enough. Meh. Am not a fan of this bit. I hate the emotional tone my life has at the moment. Too much stress, raw edged, white knuckled, drive the kids like they're a herd of donkeys mania. Am not a fan.

Am working on a little prioritization and outsourcing and list item cutting and am also working my way through listening to this really great talk by the somewhat famous, brilliant and now sadly deceased, Randy Pauch. Enjoy! Am totally inspired.

Tornado Alley

This is sort of how life feels a the moment at our house. One big, not terribly colorful, baby-in-the-picture-now blur. Kind of insane really. I have wayyy to many things to get done in one day and every single day ends lately with me panting madly and trying to find a way to shut of the manic "Concerns List" chattering in my head so that I can get to sleep.

• Our landlord wants to bring a realtor through to evaluate our unit for listing and I am trying not to completely lose my mind over the impossibility that will be getting the place clean enough that I won't just die on the spot when they arrive. 
• I am struggling just to get laundry washed and all the dishes cleaned, I still am not really "cooking" at all. (Its true...I am able to make jam but not dinner) My kind friends at MOPS are bringing in our evening meal every other night and we're eating leftovers for lunch and the alternate dinners and breakfast is something clever like....yogurt...or you know, yogurt.
• I finally got the flannel sheets from the last cold spell off of Ru's bed today and I have not mailed even one thank you note. 
• I was really hoping this house deal would come together before our summer house guests but, it looks like it won't be happening and I'm wracking my brain about where we'll put them all.
• New discipline issues are cropping up with the big brothers and I'm resorting to online problem solving research to come up with fresh ideas for confronting the problems.
• The birth announcements are all printed up and gathering dust on top of the computer. Blast! Must mail somehow!
• The van needs to have a taillight replaced and I can't figure out when I'll have time to get it into the shop.
• I have tomato plants in teeny tiny little peat pots on my back stoop that need somewhere real to live and I'm vacillating daily about whether to put them in the ground or shell out the extra cash for big pots and potting soil on the off chance that we end up moving before they bear.
• The baby has the worst case of baby acne on the planet. He looks truly frightening. I am so sick of explaining to people that he hasn't been bitten by lots of bugs or broken out in a terrifying heat rash or gotten some devastating sickness. And I was hoping to do his one month portraits soon but, he truly looks so awful that I don't want to remember it in pictures. I'm even considering taking him in to the pediatrician. Would they laugh me out of the room?
• I am that horrible in between stage physically. I can't fit my normal clothes but, I refuse to wear a maternity wardrobe and I'm not past the six week window to the magical place where dieting is allowed. Blast. 

How to avoid drowning in self pity, panic or total dark pessimism? Its really not that bad, right? Tell me this is somehow all petty or all in my head.

A Peek Into My "Studio"

My bedroom, my kitchen, my garden and the couch are really collectively "my studio" at the moment...there's no dedicated creative space in our house, no real "spot" to store all the artistic goods just a general flow of creativity that messes up the whole place and keeps us humming all over.

Friday was an explosive day for me, spurred on by a swap I was part of that involved a lot of crafting but, that was only the downhill push. Before I knew it I had avalanched my way into full creative mode complete with large amount of scrap fabric and other materials flying about and thrown hither and yon. Been way too long since I did any sewing, felt awfully good to sit and hum away on the machine again. I miss it. Am looking forward to a nice space for sewing at our someday house. Speaking of which....there may be house news on the way! (just a little teaser)

But, here's a peak into my workbasket lately:

And then....on the subject of personal artistic-ness I have to include this portrait sketch in pencil that one of my fabulously talented and inspiring fellow Tuesday art session painters did of me. I feel like I won the lottery! Can you believe it? I have had my portrait "done." So exciting!

Here's my favorite bit:

What Geeks Say In Their Sleep

Dear A...sweet, geeky man who is occasionally more machine now than man. Your coding work, I fear, has stolen some piece of your brain that may be irreplaceable. At least your technology riddled inner self is amiable, even in sleep. 

Just had to share this experience I had last night around 3 A.M.

So, its pitch black and I'm sleeping and then I wake up to that oh-so-familiar pit pat pit pat pit pat sound of small feet coming down the hall in the dark. And I hear Ru pad up to A's side of the bed and say quietly but insistently, "Daddy?"
There is no real response and I think about intervening but, I note that he's looking for A and decide not to meddle so I lie there quietly in the dark and listen instead.
"Daddy???"
*finally, grunt-style acknowledgment from A*
(Good enough...Ru forges ahead) "
Mommy was making a typing noise, typing on her computer in the rocking chair in my room but her is not there now." (hmmm clearly he's been dreaming...there is no way I was up typing at 3, heh) I wait to see what A will say to soothe him back to sleep.
*There is a slight pause from A and the air hangs still for a bit.* Then:
"Well." (Brightly) *another small pause while Ru and I wait for the rest*
(A continuing)
"What you should do is make a draft of the document using your template and then transfer the template over."
*And here I suddenly have to burrow deeply into my pillow to keep from laughing uproariously and ruining the whole serious scene and wait to see what Ru will do with that*
There is a long pause...and I peek over A's shoulder and see Ru's eyes, saucer-wide peeking over the edge of the bed. And then he finally says:
"Daddy? What are those?"

And then...yes, I did intervene. I explained that nobody was typing in his room and that I was right there and he didn't need to worry about templates or drafts tonight and did he want a kiss on his way back to bed? So he scampered off and A never even grunted again, the rest of the night.

He might have been sleeping deeply last night but his brain was on, full power...at least full power work mode. Heh.