The Movers And The Stayers

Summer is here, and I have not been. That's the way with these warm weather months....all digging in the yard until way too late to make a proper supper by accident, reading way too many books and going on way too many exciting outings, catching up with all the friends and forgetting entirely those I communicate with online and far away. Please, let's pick up where we left off and carry-on with grace flowing around us to fill in all the gaps and distances and things I forgot to share and mention. We'll all catch up, shall we?

First of all, the elephant in the room we went on a stupendous trip to Italy. Totally amazing.

I have to write a post on several of the things I thought about our trip. So much to process and so much to share....more on that later.

Secondly, so much else is going on with us. One of my very close friends is moving away, the garden in our second year here at Orange Blossom Cottage is finally starting to come into its own, we had a really fun trip home to Michigan to see so much wonderful family, I have been doing some homeschooling public speaking this summer, and we are still ever in pursuit of giving ourselves a rich vibrant life with lots of space and breathing room in it.

Having a close friend move is a new experience for me as an adult. I realized once when talking with my husband that I had never been dumped by a boyfriend...although I'd dumped guys several times. It was a strange self-discovery. Did that mean I was selfish, pompous, picky, or lucky? I felt like I had kind of missed out on a rite of passage and the ability to claim normalcy in some tiny way. Weird how all the things mean things sometimes. Having a girlfriend move away and leave me is like this too. I have left several times, been guilt tripped, sobbed over and begged to stay. I've had people tell me they could never replace me, that they were mad at me because I had to move or resentful because I didn't consider them in my life location plans. But, through all of that I have always kind of played the same role. Tried to thank the stayers for their love, their loyal affection, their sharing of their time and lives and feelings and tried to walk the balance of showing just enough of my own feelings about moving to make sure that my humanity shows but be strong enough to comfort my friends and help them imagine a good future while not letting the negativity and depressing guilt get to me. I've never been the stayer. My gal is leaving and while I don't resent her adventure or the stress of packing up and shifting all her worldly goods to a new state....its surprisingly complicated for me too....even though I have no real clear role in the moving and shaking. I'm all conflicted about how much to show my cards with her. Do I cry in front of her, tell her exactly what she means to me or try to just keep it light and cheer her on while crying on my own time? Or is it some back and forth seesaw of behaviors. I don't want to be clingy and desperate but of course I'd love to make sure she knows that I care and that I will deeply, rawly miss her when she's suddenly not there for random roadside berry picking and hilarious girl's nights.

This relationship stuff gets me in to trouble in my marriage too. I want to be strong and independent and never have my husband be suffocated by trying to "be there for me" but I really want to be real and open and wear my heart dissected open on my sleeve. I think the thing that really gets me is that I so badly want reciprocity. I want to be sure that I share like he shares, that he wants my dirt and my pain as well as my hips and my best jokes. I start to feel gun-shy when its not clear that we want the same depth. Nobody wants to realize retroactively that they were an over-sharer. Ain't nobody got time for that!

I worry about this kind of thing with my friend too. I want to communicate my pain at her loss and my adoration of who she has been in my life at exactly the same level she discloses with me. I'm not sure I want to feel the same...just control what I tell her to visibly be her emotional twin. I'm always the emotional one, the deep feeler, the raw transmitter and sometimes its fatiguing to be judged as the eternal mess or the out of control girl or the person who is never done processing. I don't mean to be that way and when my feelings stay inside of me it mostly doesn't feel that way....its only when I leak them in disproportionate amounts and people get their measuring tools out and point them my way that I look a mess and seem like a problem. I wish there was a neat way to let my friend know that I will miss her exactly as wildly and deeply as she misses me and that I will probably culture some even darker and deeper feelings that she'll never know too and it all means that she's been really very special to me and I wish her the world. I'm lousy at being what people expect or want although I am one of the most people aware and over observant humans I know. Its tough to wish you could be just right and feel blind about making it happen. Moving is hard, even if you're staying.

Good thing there is shiny, crinkly swiss chard in the garden and orange roses by my front door, the sound of children's laughter in my yard and more phone calls than I can answer from people who love me. Summer ain't so very bad, even if its lumpy in places.

Motherhood and Marriage When The Burner Is On High

 The weather is hot and thick, you can break a sweat just sitting in a chair lately. This kind of weather lends itself to festivals, public libraries, early morning outings and  basement contemplation. Today I went with the basement.

 We no longer own a laptop so the old "movies in the basement on a hot day" routine which was my go-to,  can't be used. Instead I play Pandora on my phone and let the boys build Legos until its time for quiet hour and then park them on blankets and throw pillows on the cool cement. Storage boxes and shelving units to separate them so that there is some amount of actual quiet. They nap, or build and I work. All the laundry in the basement got washed and dried and sorted and then I swept and organized and purged. I am proud to say that after one very hot and humid day's worth of work....we now have no more assorted nonsense piles of random junk that I threw into bags and hid when we had company coming over.

 What a great feeling! So much stuff that we can hand off to other folks and let go of finally, so much stuff that actually, truly was junk and went into the trash (which is going out tonight, hallelujah!!!!) and just a little stuff that simply needed to be put back into its proper home. I feel about 40 lbs lighter after such a productive day hiding out from the heat. Kinda makes me feel utterly at peace with the possibility of another blazing hot day tomorrow.

 I made a one pot dinner tonight and imagined up a trip to the beach spur of the moment as soon as A walked in the door. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned

The boys were having meltdowns and Giles had a diaper rash suddenly (chafing from a whole day in his swimsuit, in and out of the sprinkler?) and my brilliant dinner was being rejected by a bunch of pint-sized critics.

But, I have to brag. I didn't lose my cool and scream or meltdown and have a sobfest when A finally walked in.....I just pouted a little about the mayhem and had just a little grump-time. And then my brilliant man said spontaneously that we should eat our one pot dinner on the tiny, brick, front stoop together and then when it started raining he had the boys all scuttle inside for umbrellas and flip-flops and we had a hilarious march around the block in our bathing suits in the rain.

Sometimes the grand plan isn't what its all abut at all. Its about the rolling with all the punches, the keeping your chin up and keeping your sense of humor. Love that we had a silly, little adventure in the outdoors and that my tharwted plans didn't matter at all in the long run. When you find a good man....hold on. 

Chickens and Togetherness

This week it is spring, edging into summer. The roses are opening...the lawn needs constant babysitting and we wake up every morning to birdsong and open windows. Its beautiful and chaotic and relieving and its smells amazing outdoors.

A is finally back home after nearly a month away from us on the other side of the country. Its been both ridiculously hard to have him gone (we're staying very connected emotionally) and also so amazing to find our stride and realize that we as a family can actually hack insane things like living on two coasts periodically. Pom misses his Daddy more than he ever has before when A travels and he during this trip he did things like breakdown sobbing inconsolably at the sound of his voice over the phone. Its touching to see him getting more verbal and also more clear about his own feelings and about intangible things like missing someone who isn't present: 3 years old approaches.

The chickens are laying well and may be driving the neighbors crazy with their egg calls which thankfully happen when people are mostly at work and houses in the neighborhood are empty. We have to remember to check the coop twice a day to make sure that we don't end up with any silly broody hens or egg eating, because there are always 6 a day now. I have started bringing the girls a cabbage a week to entertain them and give extra summer vitamins. I am also tossing any weeds from the garden into their pen for eating and am impressed with how much them do actually seem to be able to tear off and consume. Chickens are funny because they don't have any teeth or sharp cutting tools and are mostly adapted for eating loose seeds and small bugs that can be gulped whole or else ripping off bits of leaves attached to rooted plants. When I toss in whole weeds I think a lot of them just get trampled since when they pluck on them the whole plant comes along, but if they get into a tug-of-war everyone can actually pull off pieces and sometimes I see a hen use her foot for a tool to hold down the food and help tear it apart.

My sister Lockbox is engaged! That's the other bit of really exciting news around our house. Lots of our idle talk these days is diamond admiring, dress discussion and flower arrangement planning. So much ethereal planning to savor and witness. A wedding is a pretty deliciously cheery occasion, and more importantly I am so pleased for my sister and her man. They're so happy together and the new brother is infinitely approved of.

I have taken a season off of doing a lot of personal watercolor painting this past semester because I was teaching a middle and high school class for our homeschool co-op but now that the school year has ended...I'm free to paint by myself again! I'm so glad I taught, it was empowering (never taught art before!) and fun. I'm hoping to start back to my artist group that meets on Tuesdays this week and cannot wait to get back to the brushes. I might need a trip to the art store for more fresh paper!Yum!

Leaning into December

Feeling restful about this season. December is here and we are gearing up for Christmas, winter, cold, internal times. I have good books lined up on my nightstand (parenting, in-law relationships, fantasy stories, travel guides!!!), a good stock of Earl Grey and a long list of small renovation tasks on the house. I'm all for the chilly months. Lets bring it!

Ru is getting to be a smooth reader which is pretty exciting. I sometimes worried it would never happen. Teaching kids to read reminds me so much potty training. Its partly about them and partly about training yourself and it takes so much faith in your kid and eventuality and so much letting go and taking yourself less seriously. Dee is partway through reading instruction and even Nib is beginning. Little steps.

A and I are continuing to work on our marriage in little steps too. Building trust together has been one of our recent big jobs. I highly recommend the eminent John Gottman's book, The Science of Trust.  I am ridiculously grateful for the tips in that book. We got into a real tailspin in our connection and life together. Its amazing how easy it is once you have a few bad patterns, to pattern your way right into completely hopeless and even emotionally dangerous place. Isn't it wonderful though, to know that people change, that we are the masters of our own choices and that we can make what we like of our lives???? I can't tell you how much I adore being a grown-up. Gottman is a great resource....maybe the most helpful information for A, I felt like I could breathe again after I read Brene Brown's, Daring Greatly and it helped me learn to how to be assertive and yet truly kind...both things I desperately needed. If you have a tough or impossible relationship where you feel stuck...keep trying shit.

 Seriously. It's worth it. You don't have to hate your mom or stop speaking to your next door neighbor or give up on your son, relationships are repairable, human connection skills are learnable and you can learn how to be a better you. I feel like an infomercial. Ha! Whatever. Trust is my new favorite. I know how to make it now and earn it and it's like totally fulfilling super-glue. I love it when I learn new things that I never, ever thought I could hack. Hear me roar!!!!

Marriage and parenthood both have made me ugly cry more than anything in my life. Ever. They've been ridiculously hard for me. Seriously, though....they are also the things that have pushed my edge and helped me learn fantastic things and two of the places where I am most proud of myself. The things that are your most painful experiences are the things that can be your best teachers, if you're game. The key is not giving up, looking the things that terrify you in the eye, remembering the things that are working and trying hard to solve the problems...try ardently, unceasingly, and ever hopefully. We are all in this together. Some of us are writhing with agony over the hard stuff that is career, some of us are socially pained by our difficulty in friendships, and some of us are looking like crazy people because we can't figure out how to teach our kids to be gentle. This is real life. (<------ all="" and="" are="" botch-ups="" favorite="" hacking.="" keep="" my="" of="" overcomers.="" p="" saying="" sorry="" us="" we="">

Poetry Friday: Marriage Advice for Myself

Happy Poetry Friday everyone!

I am writing today about a personal journey I'm having at the moment. I chose a theme word for this year to help me focus my thoughts and ideas and efforts. This is the year of "Acceptance" for me. I'm working more to accept the circumstances I am handed, to accept the problems that I am facing, to accept the people who have been put in my life, to accept myself and my flaws, to accept the good I'm given and the help and creativity and hope around me.

One of the biggest areas I'm really flexing the acceptance muscle is in my marriage. Its so easy to decide that the person we are with needs to change all of their problems, to distance ourselves from them and find ways to differentiate instead of unify, and even to wish away for refuse to acknowledge some of the truth of the current state. I'm on a quest to go to a different place: a knowing and a seeing that is not resignation but just awareness and honesty with overtones of oneness and deep compassion for him and for myself.

And then I made a poem.


If I Were Wise

If I were a wise woman
I would allow my husband to just be.
I'd let him care obsessively about
The exact time he goes to bed and the
The turning off of lights in empty rooms.
I would let him rage about slow traffic
And children who forget to put their shoes on.
I would listen to his worries about the
Dangers of caffeine and alcohol and liberals
And understand it all as his honest now.
I would live like a great warm radiator at his side,
Walking my own path and letting go of his.
I would see myself winking from his mirrored-skin
And hear his voice ripple in my exultant shout
Below the great cement arches of an over-pass. 

Go to Violet's blog this week to see all the other contributors to Poetry Friday today and read a cozy bunch of verse.

Fruit Of Our Labors

This is the first official produce of our new mini-orchard we planted last year. We have a bunch of new baby trees we planted on our property last spring: two plum trees, a peach tree, a cherry, a pear and a nectarine to keep our ancient apple tree company. Last year they just grew, and this year that's still where most of the energy went (they are starting to look like real trees now!) but one of our plums pulled out all the stops and made a single golden fruit.

It was condensed deliciousness. All our fruit farming hopes and gardening efforts congealed in one glowing orb. A and I split it one very early morning for breakfast while the dew was still on the grass, dripping juices on our hands, alternating bites. Sometimes we share an achingly happy vision of life together.

Related articles

• Dwarf Fruit Trees for Small-Space Gardens
• Heavy Branches and the Lonely Peach
• Eating Fruits Can Reduce The Risk Of Obesity
• Tips to grow fruit on a small scale
• Bag of plums

Poetry Friday: A Wedding Poem

 Happy Poetry Friday!

June is the month for weddings, it was the month of my wedding. (June 29 will be 9 years!! Whew!) And so one, perhaps naturally ends up with weddings on the brain right about now.

And I just finished reading the fascinating and lovely book Committed, by the author of Eat, Pray, Love fame, which is all about marriage and married life and getting married and staying married....etc. So, that added to the mind collection.

And  then there I was scrolling around in my notes looking for ideas I happened to have sketch scribbled in my poem scratch pad, for this poem...and the time just seemed right. It's kind of fun to play with writing a poem that is speaking in a different voice and has nothing to do with my own personal experience. Everyone seems to assume poetry is deeply personal expression, kind of a private diary in lyric verse or something. Reminds me of blogging a bit which everyone thought, at first was supposed to be some sort of journal that you share with the world. Sort of a "Here, read my high school diary!" experience. Heh heh.


Private Engagement Party

He gave her a diamond as big as
A kernal of her daddy's field corn
And that night she twirled in
Front of Great-Grandma's faded mirror
And tilted her hand to see it wink
As full of change as a plump
Springtime seed, about to be planted.



And just for kicks...I have to include this video, from one of my favorite musicals of all time, Seven Brides For Seven Brothers. The lead character Millie, who happens to be absent from this particular number, is one of my favorite female movie characters.



The Poetry Friday Round-up is over at Picture Book of the Day today, so hop on over and have a look see!

Lessons From The Royal Wedding

Image by Defence Images via Flickr

I haven't got a television. This meant that I "missed" the royal wedding. I realize that for some, the allure of getting up at 4 am to watch a state event from a different country seems a bit thin at best, perhaps even verging on insane. I never claimed to be normal. My friends are just as kooky as I am which makes me feel that this breed of insanity is quite within the realm. They were: creating authentic high tea for granddaughters, setting alarm clocks for early hours and hauling their children out of bed to watch the wedding, TiVo-ing the entire thing and then watching and re-watching it with family over the next week or more, discussing all the details of the day endlessly together, wearing union jacks for the day and even getting out their own wedding dresses to celebrate. I hav
e cool friends. Cool, kooky friends.

Image by Defence Images via Flickr

All that to say, I felt not at all beyond the pale when I finally got around to YouTubing my way through the ceremony in great detail myself...(replaying the key moments perhaps) and spending the rest of the day thinking about it I have some thoughts. I know that monarchy is out-dated historically, but I really feel like there is something lovely about it anyhow. Something morale boosting, something culturally lifting, and as an onlooker, it feels a little otherworldly as well. (in a good way)

After musing on the whole concept of the royal wedding all day here are my take-aways:

• Practice makes perfect...there's no shame in practicing to remove the hiccups from jobs done in public that present an image by which you will be judged. I was impressed to hear Catherine recite so smoothly the litany of Williams many names and then later read that Diana stumbled over Charles' when it was her own turn. Not to knock Diana or the concept of human error or relaxation....I firmly believe in grace and forgiveness at these times. It is admirable to hear that Catherine and William worked so tirelessly to iron out the wrinkles. I would like to take more time to prepare when I have sticky words to pronounce publicly or an important visual I am going to present. Note to self: practice smiling gracefully. I always grin far to wide for pictures and find that I end up with photos of me with no lips, bared teeth, squinting eyes and a giant blue vein popping up on my forehead. It's the little things and a bit of conscious practice that make people appear polished and elegant. Be done with the idea that some are just naturally elegant and that you and I cannot be among that number.
• Being old fashioned is not "out." I thought the classical vows that the couple took and the timeless wedding attire were so lovely. Catherine used the "quaint" Victorian language of flowers to select a symbolic bouquet, bridal decorations and the sugar blossoms for the wedding cake. She wore a tiara that was a royal family heirloom. She continued the tradition of carrying a sprig of Queen Victoria's myrtle in her bouquet. They chose a carriage as their transport, cathedral to palace. They came across as elegant and ageless, not in the least bit twee or matronly. We needn't update every little thing to be fashionable and modern....sometimes the old ways are best.
• A little warmth and respect buys you goodwill now and freewill later. I find this one so helpful that I might even tack it up on the wall. I am generally warm and respectful but I forget that part of why you do so is so that eventually you will be in a position to be able to exert freewill and do so without offense. The Queen is a bit of a controlling woman...it is sort of her job. I'm sure she can be quite intimidating. Instead of either bowing completely to her wishes or flagrantly defying her left and right, Catherine wisely came to her for crash courses in "princessing," communicated often and regular with her new family, worked symbols of the royal family into the wedding ceremony and even had lunch with Camilla--notepad in hand, taking down the ideas and suggestions she had to offer. Once she had done all of this then when the queen sent specific orders for how she wanted the wedding to go Catherine had created enough goodwill to not raise a fuss when she sent word that she'd rather wear her hair down thank you, and that the royal couple had chosen to travel leave the cathedral in a carriage instead of a car. I need that kind of grace + fortitude. I am all warmth and then no resolve in relation to other people. She inspires me.
• Humility and regal dignity are sweet companions. I thought it was wonderful that Catherine chose to line the sides of the cathedral aisle with live maple trees in pots specifically because they symbolize humility. I also thought the direct but not performing acknowledgement the newlyweds gave to onlookers was lovely and impressive. They were elegant and regal without being showy or sneeringly proud. So often if feels like people who work on humility don't know how to be graceful and give themselves dignity and then again, those who have great dignity or personal pride don't know how to be warm and humble in relating to others. 
• Less is more. Such a cliche, green, modern idea in some ways but all too true. Catherine didn't need a tumbling orchid laden arrangement, her admittedly small bouquet and simple dress and veil were elegant and also showed that she and William had nothing to prove by appearing ostentatious. How do you "dress up" Westminster Abbey anyhow? Just as they did...with subtle, elegant touches....nothing over the top and nothing too wild. And really, some of the wedding guests with those outrageous hats? I'm sure they meant to look edgy and impressive but they just came off as over the top and very, very silly looking.
•  Don't fight technology. I am impressed by how very technologically embracing the royal family has been concerning the wedding. They have tweeted, posted Flikr photos, started a website, streamed live footage and accepted email comments and well-wishes. They have been thoroughly modern in every way and yet never cheapened themselves or the solemnity of the occasion. This bought them a lot of goodwill with regular people, gave them a lot more publicity and visibility and it also gave William the tool his mother never had....an element of control over the press. By running his own, pointed PR campaign he is avoiding reinventing the wheel. Poise + technological sophistication is a great recipe.

Image by k-ideas via Flickr

And I'm sure there are more lovely nuggets to glean from this important historical thumbtack in the timeline of our lifetimes....and maybe later I'll think of them. But for tonight, that's all I've got.

Related articles

• The Royal Wedding Snob (lapiskamay.wordpress.com)
• Royal bouquet draws abbey crowds (bbc.co.uk)
• Royal Wedding 2011: Top 8 Moments of William and Catherine's Big Day (abcnews.go.com)

Poetry Friday: A Love Poem

 It is after valentine season so, a love poem seemed about right. I have written really only one other in my history as a writer. I have either been too busy being intoxicated by the experience of being in love or else jaded by the difficulty of the struggle to stay connected to another person to really do much in the way of love verses.

Then last year sometime, A's brother Miq was kind enough and brave enough to share some of the love poetry he had written for Penny (of which there were copious reams) and I got inspired. I think my hangups lately have been more technical. I'm scared to write about love because just like painting autumn trees or flowers, it is so easy to do it badly. Cliches are rife and thin, plastic versions seem all to likely to be what would come pouring out of my keyboard.

But, like I said, it is valentine season and a girl has to try, doesn't she? I'd hate to have never really tried. Here's to you A and to married love.

 

                                                  A Circle

I remember driving in staggering circles around the black rim of Tahiti

So bone-tired after our wedding that we could hardly see the road ahead.

We held hands, slouching into each other’s bodies over the wee stick shift

Staying awake by tracing circles on each other’s palms and thinking aloud

I was your sidekick Bonny and you were my knight with the shining desktop.

We were skirting the rim of our future, dipping our toes into life together.

Now we’re several revolutions into marriage, all knee-deep in shared history

And I can’t remember the last time I kinked my mid-section over the console

Just to feel the warmth of your shoulder, my fingers tangled in your hair.

But last night, grinning in the dark, I traced a warm circle in your sleepy palm

The baby was standing up in bed between us using your ear-lobes for handles

Since it was 3 AM, we were so bone-tired we could hardly see the road ahead

The forgotten desktop glowed down the hall and I was too tired to think aloud.

This circle on your palm is my love note to you, a little whirling symbol of hope:

And I am here, keeping myself awake, circling the rim of our future in my mind.

You can find more Poetry Friday participants at Rasco From RIF today.

Related articles

• The best Valentine's Day love poems, as chosen by Slate's writers and editors. (slate.com)
• On Inspiring a Love of Poetry in Children (seapoetry.wordpress.com)
• 7 Sites To Find Great Valentine Poems For Your Date (makeuseof.com)
• John Stammers's top 10 love poems (guardian.co.uk)

So Far This Week....

We've had our first local sweet corn. Its been ripe before now but, I just finally got a chance to pick up an armful and haul it home to douse with butter and salt. YUM. It was really, really good. Am contemplating making some corn chowder in the near future. What else do you do with fresh sweet corn besides eat it on the cob in volumes? I'd love to hear your ideas.

We watched Nib coo and gurgle and chortled together over his increasingly charming almost giggle. He is so close people...so close! Argh! He's an incredible little morning bird. Wakes up full of little wet and cheery things to say, all wreathed in smiles. He's a darling dear. No other word. We continue to be amazed at his ability to sleep at night. I am a fervent co-sleeper but, with this baby I really haven't because he wakes up once a night and seems to prefer his own private slumber in a little basket on the floor next to our bed. Quite incredible. I am very astonished at this phenomenon and have never really seen anything like it before although of course you read of such urban legends in books. (I thought they were lies, all lies!) We are having far more trouble at nighttime with his big brother Dee. I guess they don't call it terrible two for nothing.

Also, there was baking. I realize I am supposed to be savoring the chilly last bits of my air conditioned existence before moving into a big house with no cooling mechanism of any kids BUT...I can't go on a very long baking fast. I love to bake. So, I fell prey to a dreamy sounding recipe for pound cake...a classic that I had never made (Can you believe it?). And it was just okay. I'm not wild about pound cake I guess, I'm all give or take about it after the experience and a little reflection. Yes..but LOOK!!!! Isn't that beautiful? That was my very favorite part of the whole event, right there...that beautiful creamy, smooth, angel wing batter. Mmmmmm......stunning, no? 

And we had a date this week! Its been an age. We're budgeting out money and trying to be careful not to spend any more than we have to (house down payment) and one of the things that took a serious cut for a while was our babysitter money. That meant no dates for a while which was kind of hard to swallow but, oh it felt good to go out again. We just paid for the sitter, no dinner, no movie...we went for a walk on the foggy seashore instead which fit my romance bill. Yay New England!