Art Resurgence

I have come full-circle in my artistic endeavors.This past fall I left my art fellowship group where I was painting weekly to attend a homeschool co-op with my boys, devote myself more thoroughly to the forming of curricula and schedules and the role of teacher. I thought I'd figure something out artistically, I thought maybe I could self-power, I thought maybe homeschooling was suddenly going to be overwhelming and exhausting. Sometimes things aren't quite as we think.

Turns out, homeschooling this year was pretty similar to last year. 1st grade is basically like quality preschool (lots of open-ended play, outdoor exploration, lots of fabulous read-alouding, family art projects and lots of rabbit traily "looking things up" at random) with the addition of beginning reading and math instruction. So, A took math...and all that was really new in our life was teaching reading. I decided I could hack it after all...and maybe I didn't HAVE to be part of a co-op but could more generally depend on a homeschool social circle for interesting events whenever we felt like it.

And as for my free-lance art motivation...heh. Its takes a village y'all. I found that I meant to get around to painting, I meant to finish pieces, I meant to replenish my supplies but what really happened was that I painted two pieces all year...and mostly I did nothing and a small piece of me withered inside.

I quit the co-op. We will be part of the homeschool group and join them for Field Trip Fridays and park outings and all the usual birthday parties and holiday celebrations instead. And I re-joined my art group. I am re-committing to taking that little bit of time away, without the kids, devoted to growth and skill development, and especially ear marked for creative expression. I need the excuse of regular time built into my life, a babysitter downstairs to keep the little ones out of my hair and the physical presence of other artists around me fact-checking and evaluating my efforts. So, here's to growth and art and finally finishing this painting that I worked on for most of the school year and just finally completed.

Reading Stack

Cold weather always means an uptick in my reading. Lately I can't get enough. I am greedy at the library, pushing open the door on my way to the car with a teetering stack wedged under my chin. Its a lot harder suddenly, with intensive homeschooling and four wild hooligans to manage to read anything steadily. I am determined though. I finked out on reading towards the end of last year and managed to read pretty much nothing from the end of the summer until Christmas. One of New Year's resolutions was to record the things I'm reading on GoodReads again...in order to do that, one must read. Off I went to the stacks!

I have a couple of new tricks in my arsenal for keeping on. I read a book at a time in audio form using my iPhone and ear buds when I'm washing dishes or driving down the road with all the kids asleep) and sometimes even tuck into a Kindle book on my phone (not my favorite) if I forget to bring a book along and find myself stuck at the doctor's office or the mechanic. I also keep a book or two tucked in the door of the car, sometimes one in the diaper bag and books all over the house for wherever I happen to be having a nursing break. Pull out all the stops is basically the message. Read whenever, however...just have serious tenacity. Bear in mind that in addition to the things I am happily clipping through I am also still hacking away at a book I borrowed from a friend about a year ago. *wince* I am not an emblem of reading perfection. I am only one crazed mommy, doing the best I can, and still in love with the printed page.

Press on.

Painless Penny Pinching

Last night A and I made an important career decision together.  It was one of those crystal times when I felt clearly that we were making an important, life-altering choice. Sort of a weighty, fork-in-the-road kind of a sensation. We're taking the left fork and things will be different from this time on. This is not only a your-life-will-never-be-the-same kind of choice but a hard-work-is-ahead, you're-playing-for-all the-marbles kind of choice. On the one hand, I love adventure and am a survivor so I believe in living on the edge so last night I felt pretty excited and motivated, but in the background is the pale and quaking me that hates change, feels secure in the known and believes contentment "the way." This morning I feel kind of wobbly and scared by the enormity and intimidating nature of making a big, scary choice like this.

We're on a new austerity plan now. Time to trim the needless waste in our life, time to live on less financially and make more happen with what we have already. I'm a person who walks this kind of line uneasily. On the one hand I'm not a high-roller, I kind of hate money and status items and I get a great deal of satisfaction from clever, frugal-living. On the other hand, I don't like stifling fun, rationing pleasure or forgoing enjoyment and I'm a bit lazy about doing everything myself to save a buck. Time to figure out not only how to save money objectively but how I will best and most happily save money. What things do I truly not need? What things can I change that will make me happier or just as happy and also thriftier? And what ways can I trim a little off the edge and still leave enough to make life feel pleasant? This whole discussion feel selfish and egotistical and entirely white-collar America. Argh. But you know, this year my theme is acceptance, this is part of it. This is where I honestly am psychologically about saving money and I know that if I plan a bleak, bread and water system for the next four years it will never work, I don't really believe in forced, purposeful, chosen deprivation and I'll never do it if that's what I attempt.

Last night I sat down and made up this list. Here's my current ideas for "Painless Penny Pinching"---the way I roll. Got anything to add? Books to suggest? Tweaks you think would help? Please contribute. We'll need all the help we can get.


•No more Amazon book buying (use up A's closet stash, inter-library loan, and
borrow from friends instead)
•Make our own cards for holidays and trim the list for who gets one
•Make birthday gifts for friends
• Grow our own veggies and freeze what we can for the winter
•Shop at Stop and Shop, Save Rite, Aldi, or Grade A and wave goodbye to Whole Foods or Fairway
•Borrow homeschool supplies or books from my circle of friends
•Limit dates to $20 dollars or less and get more creative
•Buy annuals in Michigan when we go this spring, prices are wayyy cheaper
•Shred newspapers or junk-mail for guinea pig bedding and feed them grass and weeds from our yard and scraps instead of buying bedding and pellets and hay from the pet store.
•Kill Netflix? (EEP!)  and instead watch YouTube stuff, and borrow movies from friends and the library
•Only go to single $ restaurants and limit frequency (once a month?)
•Unsubscribe to anything I am not using or don't need online and make sure that the menu planner I am using is the best deal financially.
•Use coupons and shop sales for food. Stock up on good deals.
•Get a new lid for my travel coffee cup and make myself coffee instead of buying it
•See if we can get better insurance rates
•Turn house temp down a touch, maybe even just at night?
•Only run the dishwasher when completely full.
•Wash clothes in cold water when possible.
•Weatherize the house.
•Keep an active inventory of what is in our freezer and pantry that is used in the coming week's menu plan.
•Menu plan every single meal...not just dinners.
•Get plant divisions from neighbors and dig wild instead of buying any new perennials.
•Buy special paleo foods online where I can get cheap prices.
•Get energy star appliance upgrades ASAP.
•Vacation close to home....maybe even at home
•Shop carefully for gas (even Carleen)
•Stop going to the extra Saturday yoga class and go to my studio more instead if
I want a weekend boost.
•Pack food for vacations and make a pact to stay out of stores while
driving to and fro and set a cap for any shopping we do at our destination.
•Shop ahead for holidays
•Make more easy clothes for the boys (simple knit pants from t-shirts?)
•Envelope budget for groceries for the week.
•Make our own cleaning supplies
•Carpool with friends
•Use the city bus
•Go to free classes at the library for kid-fun.
•Wash, vacuum and wax our own car instead of going to the car wash.
•Regularly freeze any food in the fridge that isn't getting eaten to reduce waste
•Shop clearance sales for kid clothes and also thrift shop when in Michigan when visiting family because prices are much cheaper.
•DIY for home repairs, teach myself what I need to know. I can do it!
•Make tangible financial goals and reward ourselves when we meet them!
•Save our change
•Review our utilities and be sure we are getting the best rates possible from our providers
•Line dry clothes, especially in warm weather
•Refinance our mortgage again.
•Use the local library passes for area activities.

What do you do to save money without feeling sorry for yourself?

Secretary In Training

I love me some little boy cuteness. Dee is"writing" on his own a lot lately and practicing holding pens behind his ear on the sly. Mommy doesn't say a word. I don't think he knows I saw.

Mud Monsters

And then sometimes you just have crazy whims like, "Why not!?! All the kids really want to do is play with mud today....let them." I got out all my big mixing bowls and the hose and whipped up some serious batches of good squishy mud and then the boys went at it while I stalked them with the camera.

Simple. Slightly demented. And pretty fun to watch. Maybe they'll remember it fondly. The only rules? No mud on the car. No mud on the house. No mud on your mother. There was a serious round of baths to follow. Epic.

Motherhood Support

Listening to my sister-in-law, Jane, tell me about the excruciating woes of Motherhood in Times of Colic a lot lately. I sure remember so vividly the raw hours of floor pacing I did with a screaming Dee in my arms when he was a babe. This motherhood gig (as my father-in-law often says) is serious business! Whew. I hear so much complaining about the modern communication devices but personally, when those I love are far away and hard times are afoot, am so glad for phones, for texting, for email and for Facebook.

I remember one night when my mother was visiting, sitting downstairs in the living room, waiting for me while I tried and tried and tried to put the toddler to sleep in his own bed. I was upstairs in a rocker outside his bedroom door with my phone and my mom was downstairs at the computer. I would put the toddler in his bed and tell him good night and then retire to my rocker to cry and curse alternately outside the door and message my mom on my phone. My mom would type, "You can do it! You're a great mommy!" and then I'd pick up the escaping toddler as he tried to escape and put him back in his bed again etc. I think I made it through that evening solely on the iron-clad  messages my phone carried from my mom downstairs. Its kind of cool to be supporting Jane now via my own boosting messages. What goes around comes around, even in a good way!

Its interesting having the chance to watch my mother-in-law do it too. Good moms, regardless of our differences with them or variations in taste are there for their children, even from far away, even when they grow up. Just because we're legal voters and can drive our own minivans doesn't mean that we don't need that encouraging pat on the back now and then and encouragement to keep on, even when it seems too hard.

Gives me a touch more patience (if I stop and think of it) with my four year old's meltdowns over trying desperately to put his own shoes on. Sometimes we all need to be talked down from the edge and told that we manage, even with the small things.

Kindness Is Not My Job

I love it when I see people being kind. Makes me so happy. I feel kind when other people, even people I don't know are kind where I can see it...even if they weren't kind to me.  If I have the foresight, on bad days, especially bad parenting days, I look for it around me.

 Yesterday I was driving to get A from work at the end of the day and I spaced out at a red light and didn't notice when it changed and the guy behind me didn't honk he just waved at me in a friendly way after I winced in his direction. What relief! Then I noticed at the next corner that the dog walker and her scowling pooch caught in a sudden shower got to cross the street early, sprinting for her dry apartment gratefully because another driver rolled down his window and hollered at her to "Go for it!" while he paused traffic to let them cross. (Am hormonal so I almost teared up there.) At another intersection I saw a young trio of clearly fit runners out jogging with their elderly relative (mom? aunt? grandma?) who was having trouble convincing herself to go on. They were flanking her...running extremely slowly, matching her pace and talking smilingly to her to keep her with them....all the way down the street. And man, do I know how it feels to be unfit and jogging...so hard, so embarrassing and so beyond humiliating to be jogging with runners younger and healthier than you are, what dignity those youngsters gave her in her pain. Potent. Hits me like a sucker punch.

I am really struggling with parenting right now. Trying to figure out how to get my boys to be physically gentle, to use respectful words, to be generous instead of greedy, to have remorse over their errors, and to understand that your success doesn't come from whacking all the other people down a peg or two. Lots of this stuff is super important to me, and lots of it is extremely baffling to me to teach. How in the world do you teach someone out of greed? I have so few answers sometimes and I feel so helpless as a mother.

I do know that often these things iron themselves out some as kids grow. I'm still going to keep working on instructing the boys about good character and maintain some household standards, don't worry. But there's a piece of this that is just getting older...and also some piece of it that is completely the choice of the individuals who are my sons. I'm not sure how to separate all of that and decide what to worry about and what to let go...but I do know that on some very real level I need to let go. I cannot control it all. I am not Mistress of Morality and sometimes all I really am substantially, is more grown-up.

In times like these I like to notice people being kind. Big people, people who don't know I'm watching, people I don't know from Adam, anonymous grown kids out there doing good things to other folks without their moms advice or knowledge....without any prodding at all. It helps me believe that one day, some of those folks will be my boys. And even if, (God help me!) some or all of my children choose a path of miserly, unkind living...it is not all on me to seed the world with good souls. I don't need to carry that on my head. There is always good. Good wins...It doesn't need me to make sure it does.

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Our Fourth Baby Arrives

Photo credit to A for this timely shot

Welcome to our sweet new child! In the late morning of May 27 I scooped up my fourth son and held him in my arms for the first time. He was born early at 38 weeks gestation, surprising me completely with his prompt and brisk entrance. I had my fastest labor yet, whirling through the whole thing from 6:00am to 11:10am when we first saw his face. We really hit the gas in the last hour of labor though moving from 4cm dilation at our time of arrival at the birth center at 10:00am to the three pushes and baby meeting at 11:10. Whew! I was kind of intimidated when I realized things were clipping along a bit faster, worried that I wouldn't be able to keep my feet under me psychologically and that the intensity of a fast birth would beat me to shoe leather. Handily, he's a very sweet baby and he was gentle on his mommy. I stayed right on top of things until a certain point in labor (maybe 10:30 or so) when I suddenly felt unable to keep up and thought I was wimping out. I realized retrospectively that the panic and hazy feeling of losing it was just transition hitting and the emotional wall most women come up against right before the baby descends the birth canal and pushing begins. Sure made me feel better to realize that I had coped just fine after all. I did most of my labor "on land" this time and slipped into the birthing jacuzzi my plush birth center provided at the very ninth hour. I think I got in around 11:07 or so. I was there for three pushes and the birth of the placenta and then I was popped into the cozy in-room bed and Baby and I were snuggled in with blankets fresh from the dryer in the next room. Heaven, even on a hot day in May. And then we placed an order at the local taco stand and had lunch. No sweat, baby before noon and a whole day left to kill!

Our beautiful new son, our fourth and latest joy is: 

8lb 4oz, 20 inches long,  Giles Crispin Armstrong. (pronounced JYE-ulz) 

And now...a little name background for the curious:

He's named after two saints, a name grounded in history and pageantry.We like that Giles smacks of British Isles chivalry.....tinted with knights and dragons and top-hatted gallantry. Crispin is more boyish and takes down some of the high tones Giles can carry and makes it a little less stuffy.

There have been two great saints named Giles, one was a much loved, early miracle worker and the other one of St. Francis of Assisi's inner circle, one of the first Franciscan brothers whom Francis charmingly called "the Knight of our Round Table." We also like the homey, down to earth hero feel that the character Farmer Giles of Ham gives to the name.

Giles was originally the Greek name Aegidius and the literal meaning of the name is "young goat." I'll grant that this comes off a bit odd but you have to do a little digging. Some sources also say that the name means "shield" which is a much cooler meaning to carry around, although a bit bafflingly far from the first meaning.Turns out the word originally comes from the term for ancient Greek shields, particularly the important shield of their highest god Zeus which were made out of (wait for it....) the tanned skins of young goats. To be a shield is good but to be a shield for the highest god in the pantheon is pretty heavy duty. We like the connotations. We hope Giles is always a protector and a shield for those around him even for the hidden vulnerabilities of those who seem high and powerful.

photo credit to my sister Song

Crispin is another vaguely British sounding name, fitting for our combined very British Isles heritage. Crispin means "curly haired" which is neither here for there for us specifically. Our little man has no real hair of any substance yet and what little down is there is not curly at this point. Wouldn't it be funny if he got lush curls later on in life? Would sure make his mama smile.

St. Crispin was an early Christian martyr who with his twin brother, who left their noble family positions and attempted to share the gospel with the Gauls by day and industriously working as town cobblers by night. St. Crispin's Day was once the feast for honoring these two but today it is most linked to Shakespeare and historic wars after the several key battles that were begun on that day. Shakespeare's famous reference to St. Crispin's Day is in a speech given on said eve by King Henry V (in the play of the same name) before his troops in preparation for the battle of Agincourt. Handily the speech is a rousing call to brotherhood and sacrifice...a lovely thing to reference in connection with the name. Crispin apples are also tasty, and give a little homey touch to the name.

Giles is a completely sweet little soul. He sleeps soundly at night waking once or twice to nurse with no real crying. Maybe being number four has sent him clear signals that an easygoing attitude is needed, or maybe God has given me a special gift not to be taken for granted, relief and charm in a chubby little body. We are enjoying him completely and you'll all understand if the blog temporarily turns into a baby album, won't you? With dimples like this in the viewfinder its hard to resist.

Pregnancy Portraits Fourth Time Around

Here are the long awaited pregnancy portraits. Usually I take them all myself, some kind of make-shift tripod arrangement and a million takes. This year I had the handy help of a pint-sized 6 year old photographer, Ru the magnificent.

So, here I am...all 38 weeks of me and Baby. Impatient and panicking by turns about the time left.