Flying Solo

A is away for the first time since we've moved. I forgot this feeling: going to bed alone at night, trying to conjure up motivation to make meals without another adult in the house, locking the doors at night (A's job) and feeling slightly nervous, sleeping all wacky because he isn't here with his strong opinions on bedtimes and rising. Its hard to be the one behind, but its especially hard at certain times of the month. Heh.

Remember this post? Yeah, that issue is still with me. But PMS is better, I have found with a few tricks that bring some sanity.

1. Trick 1: Track my cycle. Knowing why I feel totally hopeless helps. I know I'm on drugs which means that I know a lot of this is high reactivity and not actual massive dysfunction. 
2. Trick 2: Skullcap tea helps me tremendously. If I start to feel blue or ragey or kind of hopeless sobbish, I make myself a mug and then a thermos and just nurse it for a few days. This is the one I buy. 
3. Trick 3: The third thing that helps is wearing the tracker I talked about here. Monitoring my heart rate and breathing means that it can vibrate to remind me if I'm getting too worked up which is surprisingly effective. I listen when an objective device tells me that I'm getting too wound up and maybe I should take a break. 

So, anyhow...its that time and I'm trying my tricks and they help...but its still a dark week with a lot of low energy. I don't really know how to get to the place where I understand and appreciate my cycle and hormones. They are so disruptive to me. Frustrating.

Today was beautiful, the rain took a break and the boys were fooling around in the yard, fussing about on the edges of the vegetable garden "weeding things" to help it all along. The radishes are starting to show their second leaves and we can see little arugula and bachelor's buttons too. Its an amazing thought that we can have a garden now. I could have had one before now if I had jumped on things and just begun as soon as the rain came. Next year I will know a little bit about the rhythm of things here. Everything is so topsy-turvy in my mind. The rhododendron are blooming and the peach trees but the plum trees finished a while ago and so did the cherries. Everything seems like a muddle. Its beautiful and its so fresh and I'm utterly grateful in this alien place, but it is alien. 

I had a couple of really filling connections with girlfriends right before A left town and that is carrying me. I may be stressed out and tired but I am not alone and I am loved.  I am also glad that it is only 4 days. Bit sized business trips help. But why, why, why do the kids always get sick when he leaves? Stress? Heartbreak? Sheesh. So frustrating. 

We are going to meet him downstate in Bakersfield and then drive over and see the incredible, historic superbloom happening on the desert floor in Death Valley. Never been there, and stoked to see botanical history. Botanical history + My Man = Life Saved.

Exhausted In The Autumn

So tired tonight, y'all. So tired. Also....it is 30 minutes past midnight and maybe that has something to do with it.

A and I have been slowly making shifts in our marriage and parenting plans...most of which are about more equality, more honesty, more acceptance. The upside is that I am getting more concrete help around the house, and being more verbal and truthful about what I need. The downside is that these California Weeks are SO MUCH HARDER!!!! Its amazing how much support one other grown-up who truly cares about you can be after a day of complete immersion with kids. Children are drowning in the drama and stress of growing and learning and being small and wanting to be big. Its super draining to be around. My poor sister Lockbox has been kind of shell-shocked by the enormity of living with that whole business.

After marinading in all that crazy, its immensely powerful to have another human adult be with you at the end of the day when the house is finally quiet. Its out of sight to have another human who washes the dishes while you put boys in pajamas, who turns down the bed while you put in a load of wash, who makes you a mug of tea while you change into pajamas. The thought of having that again after these California Weeks makes me cry....every single time.

Tonight is just one of those nights. I cried on the phone with A. I cried after I hung up. I am too tired, and I will feel better after I sleep. Also I am hormonal which never helps. (Must drink balancing herbal teas!) But truth, guys....being loved and supported is such a wonderful and important thing for me. I feel very lucky and can't believe that it took this long in our marriage to figure this out. Life is weird.

Tonight, as I tuck myself in and enjoy my starfish sleep positions....I'm sending out mad, mad props to you single mamas. You are heroes....I have no idea how you do it. Wanna grab coffee?

Robotic Friend

It was a rough night last night. Too hot to sleep and punctuated by 5,000 child-nightmares so I was bushed and way too grouchy all morning. At naptime I laid down and had a small catch-up and when I came back downstairs Dee showed me what he had been quietly working on with paper, markers and a roll of masking tape.
"He's a sort of friend-robot, Mommy....not really a working kind or a helping kind. He's just a friend."

Out of the Fog

I am complete toast. I cannot think clearly, I'm exhausted all the time, I go to bed early every night, take a nap most days and still can't manage to feel awake. Very little sounds good food-wise, Claussen dill pickles make the cut and breakfast sandwiches with lots of oozy cheese, sausage and egg. Otherwise...the list is pretty darn short. Most days I manage to quickly prepare dinner and then then serve it to other people but can't make much more than water sound appealing to myself. And my moods! Could someone please tell adrenaline to give me a break here!?!? I feel like I am freaking out over every little ridiculous thing...it all feels like the end of the world and nothing feels okay....ever. My housekeeping is doomed, my friendships are hopeless, my complexion is the pits, and forget my parenting skills. I can't stop crying left and right, the last thing I was sobbing over was the laundry.

Heavens! It's a good thing there's a sweet new baby coming in June to make up for all of that!!!!! Otherwise, I'd have to diagnose myself a bit gone in several categories. We're all very excited around here and as soon as the boys knew and were very strictly lectured on how this was "our secret" Ru went around grinning at all our social engagements looking for sly moments to take adults aside and tell them that he "had a secret to tell them!"  So much for waiting! Ha ha! We're out. We're proud...we're parents again and we're headed into the culturally insane category of four child family.

I feel super out of it. And although this was a very wanted baby at the moment I feel over my limit. Way over. I know most of it is the way that pregnancy, especially the early part, makes me feel like a total psyche ward case but it sure is daunting. I know Baby Four will fit in just fine and I know that we'll very quickly feel like we couldn't imagine life without him or her but for now I just feel like hiding under my quilt and never speaking to anyone again.

Image by mhaithaca via Flickr

I am not sure what to do to comfort myself for the next five weeks, infinite supply of Starbucks and cheesy breakfast sandwiches would help. Barring that, I think I'm just in survival mode. I sleep and sleep and also sleep and I cancel a lot of engagements. If I cancel on you, tell yourself I have a terminal illness and to expect very little of me....and in a month or so I will reappear in normal life. I am telling myself this daily.

One of Those Days.....

Oh man. It's one of those days.

Sorry for being MIA last night. It was another in a long string of over-extensions and I'm afraid I've been pushed right over the brink. No more teetering precariously, I done fell! Last night I went on a manic errand run after dinner and came home just dragging myself up the back steps. I put groceries away for a while and then I heard a thin manic wail from Dee's room.

Yeah, and then I was up for four hours, pulling my hair out, trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with my evil-minded son. Who would only tell me that "nothing was wrong" through his continuous howl. Urgh.

Yeah. And then A relieved me and he told him that his ear was hurting. Blast.

This morning I woke up beyond tired and possessed of a throbbing head, achy limbs and a sore throat. There's only so much abuse a body will take.

I just couldn't bring myself to post last night and honestly, I feel even worse tonight...and so this folks is my cop-out missive.

I love you all but tonight, I need a bed.