"She refused to be bored, chiefly because she wasn't boring." Zelda Fitzgerald

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Living On Feminine Overdrive

Being on my period turns me into a weeping, sentimental maniac. I love that I feel deeply, I get the powerfully feminine vibrance of it all but after a while it feels like a drug trip that won't end. I have the hardest time seeing reality through the fog of induced extreme feeling and by the end of lots of days I just want to hide in a box. And maybe never wake up. Hormones suck.

I am normally a person with very little malaise, jaded entitlement and dull boredom. The world is a sparkling place and I love that I see each shell and bead and notice all the little things, appreciating it all. This time of the month though, I'm on such a ridiculous hormonal ride that its like being my usual perceptive self x 1,000,000,000.

 I was teary watching Ru start his first riding lesson. The sun was golden in the dust of the riding ring as he climbed the mounting block in his little velvet riding helmet and....there I was crying with joy over the beauty of it all. I did it discreetly. I think. I mean, I wasn't sobbing....just a few sniffs and a hurried wiping with the sleeves of my chambray shirt. The other boys didn't even notice, they were too busy swinging on the fence rails and trying to throw horse poop at each other. Dear little things. WHY are they so insane?!?! Here I am killing myself for them, being a wonderful mother and they continue to do things like attack each other and fight, no matter how kind I am to them. Why me???? Is all my life for nothing???? I have spent my life on this. This is it. Four ill-behaved boys and a house that is a giant mess....that's my whole life. My Lord. What have I done? I could have gone to mime school or married that rich Korean guy I met in Guatemala. Guatemala...there is a Guatemala. I mean, doesn't that just tear you to pieces??? What a beautiful world we live in. The world is incredible. I can't even handle it.

Its sort of like that.


That's slightly overkill...right?

What do you guys do to cope with over the top emotions? I breathe, try to realize that they aren't real, sometimes I laugh. I go outside. I eat. (more often than I'd like to admit although I am eating only healthy foods) I work. I control things that I can manage, like obsessively folding the napkins and scrubbing a spot out of the upholstery. I read because escape makes me happy. I space out. I hug my kids. I turn on music and dance. (although honestly this often inflames things emotionally, truth be told) and sometimes I just cry. I text my husband. I count the days on my calendar until I will feel normal again. I garden until my fingers hurt. I call friends. I know that I'll be sane again soon. Until then, I'm just over here sucking blood and howling at the moon, waiting for the spell to break.

Ru did have his first horseback riding lessons, which is a big dream he's been carrying for a while. Pretty amazing to watch him fearlessly up there on the big mare they paired him with, leaning into the work, learning to direct and hold his own.

The weather has been made to order....sun and gentle breezes, warm air and open window humidity level. Just exactly right. Grass is frothing at the edges of the highways now and the hens have started trying to take dust baths in their yard again. Yesterday we had the guinea pigs out in the lawn while we planted pansies in the urns at the front door and spread new mulch at their feet.

I am eating clean and exercising, sometimes with A and sometimes by myself, but consistently no matter who comes along for the ride. I have learned that I love tricep dips and hate wall sits and that I can do real push-ups. My current record is 13 in a row! I also found out that one of the water bottles that I own already has ounce marks on the side, as if it was just waiting for me to start watching my fluid intake and actually use it to try to get hydrated. Lemon water is my new best friend.

I think I'm almost to the point where I can actually say I've taught two children to read. One more library card awaits for our family. Teaching small people to do things that have nothing at all to do with normal human function is miraculous. I feel like I have taught someone to climb walls or revive babies from comas. So beautiful to see the words on the page slide from jumbled symbols to smooth, linked codes that untangle steadily and watch the little voice managing it all perk up with expression and cadence. Life is beautiful. Okay...time to go to bed. I'm tearing up again.



  1. Hi Carlie! Have you ever tried teas when you are feeling that way? Like Traditional Medicinal's PMS Tea, Allegro's Queen Bee Balance Tea, or one of Yogi Tea's women's specialties? If you haven't, you might want to explore them, see if any catch your fancy.

  2. You know...Tabatha....right after I wrote this post I was talking to my husband about all the feedback it got and I realized that I totally WAS drinking a Traditional Medicinal women's health tea and I ran out! Could that be why this month was such a crazy ride? MAYBE. I'm totally buying more. Thanks for thinking of this too.