"She refused to be bored, chiefly because she wasn't boring." Zelda Fitzgerald

Monday, October 24, 2011

Out of the Fog

I am complete toast. I cannot think clearly, I'm exhausted all the time, I go to bed early every night, take a nap most days and still can't manage to feel awake. Very little sounds good food-wise, Claussen dill pickles make the cut and breakfast sandwiches with lots of oozy cheese, sausage and egg. Otherwise...the list is pretty darn short. Most days I manage to quickly prepare dinner and then then serve it to other people but can't make much more than water sound appealing to myself. And my moods! Could someone please tell adrenaline to give me a break here!?!? I feel like I am freaking out over every little ridiculous thing...it all feels like the end of the world and nothing feels okay....ever. My housekeeping is doomed, my friendships are hopeless, my complexion is the pits, and forget my parenting skills. I can't stop crying left and right, the last thing I was sobbing over was the laundry.

Heavens! It's a good thing there's a sweet new baby coming in June to make up for all of that!!!!! Otherwise, I'd have to diagnose myself a bit gone in several categories. We're all very excited around here and as soon as the boys knew and were very strictly lectured on how this was "our secret" Ru went around grinning at all our social engagements looking for sly moments to take adults aside and tell them that he "had a secret to tell them!"  So much for waiting! Ha ha! We're out. We're proud...we're parents again and we're headed into the culturally insane category of four child family.

I feel super out of it. And although this was a very wanted baby at the moment I feel over my limit. Way over. I know most of it is the way that pregnancy, especially the early part, makes me feel like a total psyche ward case but it sure is daunting. I know Baby Four will fit in just fine and I know that we'll very quickly feel like we couldn't imagine life without him or her but for now I just feel like hiding under my quilt and never speaking to anyone again.

Jimmy DeanImage by mhaithaca via Flickr
I am not sure what to do to comfort myself for the next five weeks, infinite supply of Starbucks and cheesy breakfast sandwiches would help. Barring that, I think I'm just in survival mode. I sleep and sleep and also sleep and I cancel a lot of engagements. If I cancel on you, tell yourself I have a terminal illness and to expect very little of me....and in a month or so I will reappear in normal life. I am telling myself this daily.
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