Winter Blues

Just kind of a funny odds and ends kind of day. I am not sure exactly what happened to the whole thing really. I hate it when a day does that to me. Somehow it managed to creep by slowly, feel molasses sloggy and then not really come to anything except for a funny whooshing at the end that amounted a sudden overwhelmedness and a tinge of the blues. I think part of it is the dragging slump here at the end of winter, part of it is kid whining, part family illness (hello Round of Earaches that has been keeping Mama up all night!) and part of is just a big pile of tiny complaints that have heaped and tittered about my ankles for some time now and have just managed to creep up high enough to really whisper persistently in my ear.

Losing the baby weight has been slower than I wanted it to be. Of course it is my third baby we're talking about and I've aged since the first go 'round and then there's my willpower with dieting which is a bit lacking but, even if we can explain it, friends, that doesn't make it all better, does it.

The house is wonderful and a home-improvement queen's dream but, a few little improvement set-backs have made it suddenly feel like an impossible, laughable, I'll-never-get-it-done mountain of work for one woman to tackle on her own while three small children howl in the background. I know this one is real and lots of people would think I was crackers for even trying to fix up a house single-handedly while raising three kids but then, that's just the brand of loony I am. I am determined to get re-inspired on this one and not cave to the popular conception that what I am attempting is ridiculous. Ahem.

I am planning our garden and while on the one hand I am fidgety with excitement over the soon-to-be-muddy yard in front of me....on the other hand it is a big job and although I really want to be a gardener who can handle a whole yard, I've never really done it and I'm trying not to listen to the section of my psyche that is screaming "You're going to waste so much money and destroy that perfectly good lawn!!! What do you think you're doing, you nutcase!" Isn't that silly? I should be thrilled but instead I'm intimidated and believe I'll destroy the property. Fabulous.

A neighbor wants to give me some cast-offs that she doesn't need anymore. That sounds nice, right? I keep avoiding her phone calls. She called this afternoon and I went as far as to press talk and then panicked and hung up. I think part of it is that I suspect that part of what she wants to give me I may not be able to move myself and I don't think A will be very thrilled at the prospect of being looped into the project. Then also part of it is that I kind of suspect that part of what she wants to give me I may not actually want and I will take it anyway and then hate the fact that I brought a bunch of crap into the house that we didn't need. Am so weak of will.

I don't entirely know what to do to get out of the funk. I am not all the way down in a depression yet and I think I can avoid it. Am thinking, early to bed, good talk with A, a nice warm drink and an early morning by myself. Hopefully tomorrow the world will be a kinder place.