Winter Chill

    It is winter in Northern California and this week that has meant frost on the roofs visible through the back kitchen window....our garage roof, the roof of the apartment building next door, the roof behind our house where the stray kitties sunbathe on occasion and if I lean forward I can see the roof of our next door neighbors who on the left who share our driveway. They all glitter white and shimmery, blueish in certain shadowed angles and impressively opaque. There is a true layer of white, and from certain angles it looks for all the world like true snow. The boys make believe that we have indeed had a wee blizzard and we haul the banana tree and the papaya tree into the kitchen in their gigantic pots and work around their absurd bulk as we wash the dishes by hand because the dishwasher has passed away and is awaiting buriel in the driveway. You have to duck around the papaya to get to the plate cupboard and the banana tree has to be slid to the side to open the low oven door. But there is room for us all and make do is kind of my favorite acoutrement in life

    And then, later in the day the sun comes out and I go out and plant pansies under our lemon tree. Its a funny life and a funny kind of winter. Thing are colder, I drink more coffee, we protect our plants now and then. The tomatoes and peppers  have wilted away into brown sticks, the cauliflower keeps slowly curving new leaves around its inner core which I hope means it is secretely developing a head. We bake more and there a constantly sprinkling of slippers and socks through the whole house as people shuffle in and out on the chilly tile floor of the kitchen. I am holding on for spring which you still need, it turns out, even if your winter is frost on the roof, cold floors and setting mouse traps instead of snow drifts and salting the sidewalk. We all need that blooming warmth and the heart of God draws us back to Himself in the midst of our aching coldness. It sure sounds good to drink in the sunshine and pull it into my bones. I need it, and the revitalization that comes with it. I am always comforted by the turning of the seasons, no matter what dark frosty time settles in and nips the buds off the eggplants, there is some warm beauty coming when the sun comes out.

 

Of Broccoli and Book Clubs

All the little trashcans in our house have fluffy teetering piles of tissues in them. We are fighting off a cough, cold, grab-you-by-the-throat, fevered dreams, headache that pounds when you move kind of a bug. I can just feel it trying to grab me in the back of my throat although I successfully evaded it thus far. I slept over 8 hours the last two nights and I still feel draggy. I have a sudden urge to clean the whole house, stock up on blankets, order the groceries delivered and start a pot of chicken soup. We have had a whole week of hunkering down and clearing the schedule. We cancel activities by the day as it is clear we are still fighting ear infections, coughs and fevers. As long as there is the blessed sunshine in the yard (which there is) and we can eat our lunch outdoors at the picnic table, I do not feel cooped up. It actually feels kind of good to be able to hermit legitimately and just be home together. We can take all day to do read-alouds and write letters to the cousins and fold and fold and fold the laundry. 

I have been making some little brave gestures towards connection and establishing a circle to surround myself. Its time to make sure I am putting down roots here, digging in the support and connection I need, not just making do with whatever falls into my lap. The first thing I did was plan and execute a freezer meal making party which was very successful and not nearly as much hard work as I expected. I have been chewing on plans and ideas for one more in the future. There was an expansive and effervescent response when I timidly broached the topic with women I knew. Its so encouraging to know that the things you think up sound not only tolerable to other people but also exciting. I also have started a little bookclub with a friend and we are co-leading. Little stabs into real discussions and built in rhythms which might be all it takes to get the ball rolling again.

I say these are little brave gestures because they are both small, maybe no big deal to lots of people but were both scary and hard for me. I love people once they are in through my walls and there sipping tea with me kindly in my kitchen but in the meantime I am rather cowed by all the rules I know I don't keep without even meaning to, all the marks I miss as a woman, as an upper middle class person, as a Christian and as a mom, and all the ways other people appear impressively pulled together. I don't hate them for it or wish they were a little muddier for my own comfort, I actually find it inspiring to be around but, I do worry that they'll find me distasteful, embarrassing and indecent. A little of that is fine. I do want to be relate-able...one new acquaintance of mine, that I rather like, is absurdly fawning to the point where I can't seem to get through to real connection as two mamas on equal footing. I struggle with the teeter totter between vulnerability and its accompanying humility and poise and the appropriate level of attainment. Sometimes I think I might look a little over-impressive at first blush, in public but be a little bit astonishingly rough in my private reality. I think this is partly because of my love of inspiration. I do want to strive for ideals. I want to speak optimistically and I want to speak in the direction I am hoping to move. I have no problem being humble but I think some people hear my starry eyed inspiration ideas and then my humble confessions and either decide I'm an over fervent freak who needs to just get her life in line or else that I am my aspirations and my confessions are faux transgressions dramatized for the sake of personal color. Who can tell. I can only really say that real connection is the cry of my heart and something I so dearly love and yet its scary too.

The broccoli plants that I put in the ground last spring are still putting out little fairy heads of broccoli and I can't bring myself to tear them out and put in something more substantial. They have big meaty stalks that are hardened and woody like trunks and their output is both speedy and pathetically small. They seem to sprout little branches and bloom out in seedy finality in the space of one or two days. I cannot ever seem to gather together enough for a meal for the family, there is never that much at one time but, I am enjoying the secret pleasure of a few tiny stalks sauteed in butter or quick steamed to lay alongside my belated morning breakfast egg or draped across my plate of leftovers at lunch. There is no end to my enchanted love of the green things growing in the dead of winter here. I plan to never let it grow old. 

Cherry Blossom Haze

Just today, the cherry blossoms started opening. This next week will be stunning, the weekend may be a glowing daze. We are having magnificent weather with gentle breezes and buckets of sunshine alternating with torrential winds, chill and rain, rain, rain. The lawn is ready for a first cut and all the raised beds have been planted except for the potatoes and the children's garden. Our plum trees started opening their blossoms this morning. Must keep an avid watch on the fungus and pests and be liberal with my organic sprays and compost tea. I am also planning to order a giant dump of mulch to keep everything handily tucked in and moist for when the hot weather arrives. Its also time to divide any perennials I want to trim down and QUICK, finish the brick trim on the front walk! EEP!

 The boys are getting so panicked about being outdoors at all times that they are trying desperately to throw off the yoke of household chores. I am trying to remember to be insistent but it is SO hard! I am terrible at staying consistent and modeling the things I want them to learn. Most of parenting has been parenting myself, I swear. I must finish my chores before I get all distracted while feeding the chickens and wander over to check out the seedlings and trim the pear tree and admire the crocus and see if the grape vine is budding. Adhere! I must learn the things I am trying to teach. No time like the present. 

 This morning I gave myself a haircut. I would include a photo but I doubt it would be very dramatically visible to anyone. I cut about four or five inches off the ends but it was so stringy and brittle and damaged that there wasn't much volume left. I have to say that I love me some YouTube tutorials. That's where I taught myself how to cut my side angle bangs. That's where I learned how to cut my sister Lockbox's curly hair and that's where I went this morning when I had the itch to fix the scraggly, dried and breaking mess that was my hair. I parted and trimmed and brushed and angled and trimmed again until I had trimmed it all into gradual piecey layers, framing my face on both sides, all serious damage trimmed away and the parts that are left mostly falling in a regular and even fashion. I feel so much better. Cutting my own hair makes me feel like a dog that had all the winter mats trimmed of its paws or a sheep that's been sheared right before the June heat hits in waves. Its so relieving and freshening! Someday maybe I'll go to a salon and have them do it all for me but its hard to trust a random pair of shears when I know what I want and my own experiments are free.

 The bikes are back out and I am realizing that even though Dee is 7, I haven't really focused on working on getting him riding on a two-wheeler without training wheels very confidently. Goals for the Spring! Also, we seriously need to weed down our collection of wheeled vehicles. We do not need the gigantic fleet that we posses. Yay for the approaching neighborhood swap day!

 I am drinking a fair amount of protein shakes these days. I have decided that my new workouts and maybe just my normal activity warrants a more reliable protein supply and I have been whizzing them up when I am too busy to have a real sit-down lunch or when breakfast seemed like it had more produce than muscle feed in it. One of favorites has been a "pumpkin pie" version made with coconut milk, canned pumpkin pulp and cinnamon + vanilla protein powder. Yum! Its a treat that I don't really mind the boys indulging in with me and sometimes its serving as an ice cream substitute after dinner if I whiz in frozen fruit (Yay, new Costco membership this year!!!) and then scoop it into a bunch of tiny bowls.

 Pom is trying to potty train although I have been impossibly lazy about it. Here he is about to turn three and I am not there yet. I am embarrassed to admit that the "last baby" thing has infected me and threatens to allow me to spoil him. Argh! How can that be me? I know about that crazy stuff and I hate the idea of being like that. Its also just hard to be dedicated to the toilet cause when there is baseball practice and swimming lessons and co-op and gardening not to mention the laundry and the mopping. So much to keep on top of and his wearing diapers still seems somehow excusable. The good news is that he seems motivated himself on some level. He's doing pretty well at keeping clean at this point, telling me to take him to the bathroom when the need arises without any prompting. Staying dry is a whole 'nother story but hey....we can't ask the sun, moon and stars all at once!

I have been working on very little painting lately although I have a couple of ideas percolating and A is taking one of his necessary but unpopular trips to the West Coast again this coming week. I also hope to watch a few movies, maybe finish painting my bedroom and push a little bit of extra yoga into my life. Optimist much?

Hey, listen....its Spring!

Fit and Fitter....But come on, Spring!

 I am turning over one of those new leaves that I keep trying to flip. I have a new app that I am using that's like an electronic personal trainer...complete with timer and encouraging comments. (BodyBot) that I am using daily to try to get into shape. My lack of muscle and tone is alarming me. I'm managing to to stay fairly thin an dam happy about how changing my eating has almost eliminated struggles with weight but I would like to see a little more vibrant strength in my body.

I have also suddenly become kind of addicted to my FitBit which is an electronic step-counter/sleep  monitor that I wear on my wrist in bracelet form. I'm part of a online group who work together for daily and weekly challenges, trying to hit our step-count targets. I am trying to hit 10,000 steps every day. Eventually in the future I will try to up my active minutes or cultivate some amount of "active" time but for now, just trying to hit my step goal is a lofty target. Most days I do it if I think about it. Having the accountability of a group is crucial to me. I'm much cheered by warm connectivity.

 I am also much shamed by what others already know how to do and how embarrassed I feel to be incompetent which is why gyms are such a total loss with me. Somehow I find yoga studios to be a much warmer environment but then....I'm also naturally flexible and not naturally strong or endurant. Heh. We all have our high points. I want to work with what I'm good at but not box myself in there and eliminate the hard learning that will push my edges. Its really hard as an adult to cultivate that kind of living. It seems like everyone around me is doing what they are good at and nothing else. Tricky!

 Its still so cold out, sometimes blusteringly windy and occasionally even snowy. The north side of the house still has snow and ice on the ground for sure. We are however, technically past the wintertime and into a section of days that legally belongs to spring. The snowdrops are blooming and sometime soon there will be crocus and daffodil. I think its Pitch The Snowflakes time!

We had our first spring grill out this afternoon at my aunt's house when we visited and it was incredible to stand outdoors on the patio and have the smoke blow in my face while the sun beamed down and a red-winged blackbird cheered from the marsh beyond us. I'm so ready for warmer weather that I can't even describe it. I feel incredibly delicate emotionally about the winter and the chill and am hanging on somewhat desperately.

I just got off the phone with my cousin who moved this past summer from Southern California to Michigan. I don't know if I am quite as desperate for spring as he is. That's intense.

Nestling In With Field Guides

 We escaped this past Saturday to a local greenhouse for a little snow relief. We have been amazed that the snow has just kept coming. We have had no real bare ground around here since December which is unusual. I keep stuttering over the fact that normally I have snowdrops poking up in my garden in February....this year there's no plants or even garden edging stones in sight. All still buried under about two feet of snow. We were outside shoveling yesterday morning first thing and we had to push the van out when it got stuck in the driveway momentarily today. What a winter!

I usually am looking for a little sight of green and some warmth right about now...all the seed catalogs showing vines and flowers and nothing looking remotely green in the yard at this time. This year that concept on steroids. We enjoyed our greenhouse escape. The place we go, Logee's Tropicals is a cobbled string of greenhouses that have retail plants but clearly have their roots in being personal growing places. There are giant towering citrus trees planted directly in the soil that drop fruit on the rows of pots for sale in the benches below and avid vines climbing the walls and creeping into every crack and rambling around all doorways. Its a very human kind of place. Very warm. Very green. The boys love it too and immediately start hunting up homes for themselves under certain potting benches or behind terracotta planters. Who wouldn't want to homestead in a greenhouse?!?

 At home, life continues apace. We may have a later spring with all this snow to melt, I sure wonder. I am packing for Florida (we leave Friday for a week!) and while away I am kind of hoping to map out where the vegetables will go in each garden bed. I might even order seeds while sitting in the tropical sun. I'm also really excited for the chance to see people we love who have moved away to the land of sunshine. We will be seeing one of Ru's oldest playmates, the daughter of some sweet friends that we have just managed by the skin of our teeth to stay in touch with through several moves and accumulating years. The mama in this particular family was one of my first mama friends. When I was just getting started, and had only one or two children, we would get together to talk about our latest parenting conundrums. Amazing to think of getting together with our now enormous kids, on a beach and laugh and talk together again. I'm also really excited to visit with my cousin (always a big hit with the boys!), eat Cuban sandwiches together, reminisce about our childhoods together and compare life goals. Family is the best invention ever.

 I am packing suitcases with all our shorts and bathing suits, thinking so excitedly of being in actual warmth. I cannot wait to lay in the sun on a beach and fall asleep while "reading." My shell picking fingers are itchy for beach combing and the boys are talking all day, every day about the sand castles they will build and the tricks they'll do in the water. So much, absurdly giddy fun to think about the magic of air travel and how it can take you to another place where life is so different and so warm but in the same world and time. What an incredible thing!

 The boys have been having lots and lots of snow play this year which is really cool. Our two sleds have been getting the best workout of their lives. We've also had snow ice cream a couple of times this winter. So much fun to enjoy the last of the cold weather with a tumbling bunch of little boys who go spilling out into the snow like so many puppies. Ru has also really been getting good at shoveling which is fantastic for the whole family and for his muscles and sense of accomplishment. One of his chores right now is making sure the front and back walks are clear and sprinkling salt if needed. He feels like a legit groundskeeper and gets a lot of positive regard for his hard work. Winter gifts.

Sending you all warm thoughts in the midst of another gentle snowfall as I traipse off to bed to flip through my stack of South Atlantic shoreline field guides....shells, sandpipers, sponges, seaweed......*sigh*

Fat, NYC and Loving My Shadow Self

It is winter and I have gained a little weight again. Not a lot of weight, not even an amount of weight I care about very much...but its noticeable enough that I went up a size and that I feel larger. Something ancient and real about the very nature driven urge to have a little extra padding, or else to move less in efforts to conserve strength, heat and energy. Because I was paying attention last year and the year before I am pretty sure that this is a cyclical thing for me. I am my thickest and most muffled self in the cold months and then I shed the extra and am a more wirey version in the summer heat. Very, very hard this time of year to think about getting up and actually shuffling out in the pre-dawn chill for my once a week, sunrise yoga class. I am totally okay however, with perpetual mugs of tea with cream and honey.  We are just living the other half of the equation now and remembering that we are creatures who till and garden and harvest and adventure and dance and also creatures who burrow in and sleep extra and recover.

 We went down into New York City tonight to see A's work and have dinner together. Pom was so excited about all the hustle and bustle in the city. He kept yelling, "Taxi!!!" and "I sees two peoples!" and other key sights as we drove along. I felt so stressed about trying to drive down into the city with the boys and find parking myself but I really wanted to be brave enough to handle it so I told A that I was game. I was not above texting him when we had arrived and asking if he wanted to come down and help me park. Imagine, if you can, how astonished I was to find out that the curbside parking spot I had pulled into, at the front door was perfectly legal and free! Sometimes life is astonishing.

 The boys and I are going to start work tomorrow on our valentines. So many, many hearts to make and cut and paint and stamp and draw on! I am thinking about the very ambitious plan of making enough to mail to all their cousins AND all the kids in their co-op on Fridays. Am I crazy? At least I am not buying little gifts and making hand crafted astounding little gift bags and rhyming limericks for every child we know! How do some women do it?!? I feel like I am totally hitting it out of the park if I manage to pack snacks for a day's outing. I did, truly, and really astonish a friend with that simple feat today. I'm not a fussy mama. I'm not even a prepared or organized mama although I do at least aspire to those goals.

Then again....I need to remember this yin and yang, this teetering and tottering, this time-for-everything-reality. I stumbled on this poem by Haafizah the other day and it made me smile and remember to appreciate my double sided self. I want to be neat and orderly but I also love passion, flexibility, and visual chatter....the things that make me who I am.  Love your shadow self and the self you aspire to be. They both matter and they are both real. 

Bring It On, Juno!

We are waiting for Winter Storm Juno to roll into town. A has flown the coop for California, making me hold his breath this morning about whether or not they could get manage to get out of New York City and into the air. He's off now, on his way to the land of palm trees and internet start-ups and I'm here, stacking up a little extra wood beside the fireplace, stirring the hot chocolate and watching the snow start to fall.

I have to say that there is nothing like New England before a storm to make you feel festive and cozy. People love to gripe about the lines at the store, the empty shelves and the advanced school closures. I used to think that people around here were terrified about storms but thinking about it this morning I changed my mind. I think that storms in our area are a rarity, and locals feel a sense of pride and celebration about this kind of a small catastrophe. Everyone is out stocking their front porches with snow shovels, salt and scrapers and waving to each other, all my friends are checking with each other to see what movies and board games we have all stocked up on for weathering the blizzard. There's something kind of yesteryear and community oriented about the whole business. I feel like we should all meet at a diner after the storm abates for egg creams and toasts.

This area doesn't see regular snow in the winter but I have to say that when it comes, we know how to make a season into a real sensation. Storm Parties all 'round!

I just got a call from the governor's office ordering everyone to stay off of all roads after 9pm and requiring everyone in my city to remove cars into private driveways. Feels kinda real! Now I just need to put something in the oven for dinner and pick out a late night, mama activity. Bring it on, Juno! We're ready to rock and roll!

Cold, Robots and Holiday Romoval

The winter cold has finally really found us. After a frozen pipe inventory (all bathroom sinks and toilets...) I pulled on extra layers to take the chickens their food scraps and also a new wad of straw for the next boxes and coop floor. Its amazing to me that the hens seem so fine in the cold but from what I've read they actually are in more danger during hot weather in the summer when we get into the 90 and 100 degree weather than they are from today's 9 degree chill. They might be fine running barefoot in the snow, but the girls still got warm water in their waterer and an extra handful of meal worms for a snack. The weather men tell us that there are days of super cold ahead of us so I'll be keeping a close eye on the hens, reading up on Pinterest recipes for breakfast porridge and turning our science walks into indoor reading time. Its still refreshing to go outside in weather that cold but it leaves you gasping and your hands burning after much less than a city block. Its reading weather.

Sometimes its nice to be the indoor pet.

I am slowly taking down Christmas. Today I am taking down the mini-tree on top of the bookcase and burning the branches that were on the mantle. I have put some of the special decorations from my grandparents collection on the mini tree. I like having them up out of the reach of little fingers but I love having them out and in sight of the whole family, being used and loved each year.

It has been grand to have them out but I'm really excited about putting Christmas away too. Tomorrow will be the day I attack the tree and haul it out to the curb! I'm intimidated and invigorated all at once at the prospect! All those pine needles! EEP!

The boys and I are painting a series of watercolor robots to hand on their bedroom walls. So much fun to be doing pen and ink outlines, non-realism, playful subjects and more cartoony lines. The boys are inspired and keep making new varieties of Lego robots. They are little figures, easy to slip into a coat pocket when running errands (even if Mommy does say to leave toys home) and just simple enough to teach to your little brother. Love finding them all over the house.