Shadow Self Returns From Camp

We just got home from our first legit camping trip as a family. We took the boys to the redwoods and pitched two tents beneath the huckleberry bushes and set up shop with our cooler for a pantry. Every meal was over the open fire or else cold leftovers, we swam in the river every day, picked wild berries and kept strict daylight hours. I wish I could say that I came home elated and freshened and all Walden 'ed up. I am afraid I actually came home desperately tired of stumbling out of my tent in the dark, groping for the door of my kids tent zipper and trying to shush whoever was waking before the whole campground was awakened, I was sick of scrubbing dishes in tepid water and getting them sort of clean, I was was exhausted from lighting fires to try to cook anything and I was dying to take a shower and peel off the filthy blue jeans I wore every day all weekend. There were brilliant memories and great times and we were all glad we went and are already planning our tent pitching next year....but still I have this secret disappointment. I didn't feel like I wanted to. I wanted to be alive in the woods and feel free and lighter, to come home inspired to live more simply and to embrace more of the world of a life between the campfire and the tent. Instead, I feel worn thin and so grateful to live where I do and when I do. Have I softened with old age or am I just realizing that I have not given this pampered shadow self of mine enough voice?

Fat, NYC and Loving My Shadow Self

It is winter and I have gained a little weight again. Not a lot of weight, not even an amount of weight I care about very much...but its noticeable enough that I went up a size and that I feel larger. Something ancient and real about the very nature driven urge to have a little extra padding, or else to move less in efforts to conserve strength, heat and energy. Because I was paying attention last year and the year before I am pretty sure that this is a cyclical thing for me. I am my thickest and most muffled self in the cold months and then I shed the extra and am a more wirey version in the summer heat. Very, very hard this time of year to think about getting up and actually shuffling out in the pre-dawn chill for my once a week, sunrise yoga class. I am totally okay however, with perpetual mugs of tea with cream and honey.  We are just living the other half of the equation now and remembering that we are creatures who till and garden and harvest and adventure and dance and also creatures who burrow in and sleep extra and recover.

 We went down into New York City tonight to see A's work and have dinner together. Pom was so excited about all the hustle and bustle in the city. He kept yelling, "Taxi!!!" and "I sees two peoples!" and other key sights as we drove along. I felt so stressed about trying to drive down into the city with the boys and find parking myself but I really wanted to be brave enough to handle it so I told A that I was game. I was not above texting him when we had arrived and asking if he wanted to come down and help me park. Imagine, if you can, how astonished I was to find out that the curbside parking spot I had pulled into, at the front door was perfectly legal and free! Sometimes life is astonishing.

 The boys and I are going to start work tomorrow on our valentines. So many, many hearts to make and cut and paint and stamp and draw on! I am thinking about the very ambitious plan of making enough to mail to all their cousins AND all the kids in their co-op on Fridays. Am I crazy? At least I am not buying little gifts and making hand crafted astounding little gift bags and rhyming limericks for every child we know! How do some women do it?!? I feel like I am totally hitting it out of the park if I manage to pack snacks for a day's outing. I did, truly, and really astonish a friend with that simple feat today. I'm not a fussy mama. I'm not even a prepared or organized mama although I do at least aspire to those goals.

Then again....I need to remember this yin and yang, this teetering and tottering, this time-for-everything-reality. I stumbled on this poem by Haafizah the other day and it made me smile and remember to appreciate my double sided self. I want to be neat and orderly but I also love passion, flexibility, and visual chatter....the things that make me who I am.  Love your shadow self and the self you aspire to be. They both matter and they are both real.