The Here And Now

Our fig tree is making fruit!

Life is slow and gentle at our house today. I painted this morning with my art fellowship group, we did a little errand running and now there's a chicken, slow roasting in the oven while we dash off for a post-nap park run and then pick up A from work.

Cold winter light through my blue bottle collection on the kitchen sill

I picked up paint to turn the foyer/entry area into a dark teal color with glossy white trim, a new print of a Jose Royo portrait is in the mail to me to hang on the main wall and I am hoping to attack the cupboard that I've stationed there to catch keys, and hold a scented candle and house baskets of mittens.

Little sculpture, little plant life: bright spots in our sunroom.

What else is new? The weather is insane. Last week we had chilly temps and our first real accumulation of snow. I was out shoveling snow up around the bee hive to insulate it extra and try to provide some protection. And then abruptly over the weekend we had a blast of warm air and a long rainy drizzle that made all the snow disappear into a swirl of foggy mist. The upside is, I've been out counting daffodil tips in the flower beds and have taken to morning walks before anyone else is up. (Yay motivation to be physical!) The downside is that although April weather feels good, it is after all only January and something feels unsettled in the pit of my stomach at all this balmy cheer. I hope the trees and the bees can weather it alright.

I can't get enough kumquats. And they're cute as all get out.

My reading list at the moment. Food issues, birth, gardening, poems. Good fodder.

I'm eating well....doing all in my power to avoid ridiculous cravings and gain control of my urge to sooth myself with food. (see the top book on my current reading stack above, for reference) I have dusted off my juicer and been revving myself up once daily with the juice of the hour and am still tracking what I eat on fitday, aiming for optimal nutritional content. I am also doing a pretty good job at weighing myself and tracking my progress there. I have gained 10 lbs so far this pregnancy and am at week 21 so I'm feeling good.

How I'm looking these days.

Speaking of pregnancy, the other big news is that we've found a midwife! It's about time! Halfway through is wayyyyy to late for my comfort level...but better late than never. We'll be delivering at the only birth center in the state this time which will bring my personal birth experience to a new level of well-rounded since I've been at home, and in the hospital already. Good for a future midwife, right? Someone tell me yes. Am still feeling a little bit unsettled and nervous about it but they have told me they're willing to handle my ITP and allow me to birth in their cozy home-like birthing room. I have found no other midwife besides Martha, my late provider who was willing to take on a blood issue like mine so that was a deal maker for sure. We're an hour away which is kind of annoying and there are still a few more medically procedures that I'll have to deal with than I'd prefer but it seems like a good solution so over-all I'm feeling grateful. My first real appointment is on February 2nd. Am looking forward to getting the ball rolling.

Midwives, Past and Present

Just trying to psyche myself up to call the midwife we think we've finally picked after a few weeks of interviews and appointment setting. I am so weary from all of it. I really hate interviewing, selecting things and the whole lead-up that comes before actually doing things. I also hate calling people on the phone. Ack! I am however, really looking forward to the part where I actually have a caregiver and we can start on genuine prenatal appointments.

My wonderful previous midwife, Martha....checking Nib out post-delivery.

After every interview we'd load all the kids back in the car and start the drive home, discussing the candidate midwife and what we thought of her and compiling a verbal pro and con list. And I'd sit there thinking in the resulting silence after we'd finished..."Crap. I miss Martha. (my old midwife) " Sometimes change sucks. When it comes right down to it I like the familiar and the comforting, those I already know and the previous good compared with the blank future full of "possibles." I hope Martha is enjoying her sabbatical time away in California, I am sending her a long chain of love over the mountains and the plains, I hope she knows she has been a great inspiration and comfort to me in labor and pregnancy and life. I hope she is getting some good, restful care herself now, the caregivers of the world so often need that kind of love themselves. And here's hoping that the new midwife ends up being just exactly the right person for the job.

Martha, does Nib's newborn exam and narrates for big brothers.

I am 14 weeks now, with just my pinky toes over the 2nd trimester line, not really "showing" in any impressive way and still wearing normal clothes just no longer feeling sick to my stomach. I am really looking forward to feeling the baby move and hearing the little heartbeat.

This is what I look like these days, not much belly to show yet which is just fine with me.

Our homebirth midwife used a fetoscope instead of a Doppler to listen to the heartbeat which meant that it was a much trickier endeavour to pick up the sound of the heart, the fetoscope, not being an electronic, amplified instrument is much more subtle, like a slightly exaggerated stethoscope. This means the heartbeat for the fetoscope served homebirth patient is a little later experience, Martha, my last midwife was a wizard with hers and could hear the heartbeat towards the end of the 1st trimester but I could never pick it out myself until the 2nd and not very solidly until the 3rd.

Dee testing out the fetoscope on his puzzled, kid brother's head. Can you hear brains?

My friend Nutmeg gave us her fetoscope so that we have one for trying out and practicing with at home. I have been giving it a try lately but so far I can't pick up anything but my own breathing and heartbeat. I am no Martha. :) Looking forward to hearing that little galloping sound sometime soon.

Related articles

• I heart my midwife! (ghostwritermummy.wordpress.com)
• The Birth I Always Wanted (diligenthousewife.wordpress.com)
• Kian Immanuel. A (very long) Birth Story (worldwidewilkens.wordpress.com)
• Erykah Badu Finds New Calling in midwifery (afroetic.com)
• Erykah Badu is Becoming a Midwife (inquisitr.com)

My First Birth

Had one of the most fantastically inspiring nights of my life last night. Nutmeg and Carpenter Man's sweet second baby was ushered into the world and I had the great honor of attending the birth (can words express what kind of a friend-gift that is???? I think not.)  at the side of the midwife who delivered most of own children. I cannot even describe to you all the sheer, scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs feeling of peak experience I felt walking out into the crisp, cold February air re-playing the visual in my mind's eye of Baby's placid, buttermilk-velvet profile, slipping into his mother's waiting arms and then being cradled to her face for first kisses.

Life is peppered with a few crystal moments and I knew--standing there on the curb, helping my mentor load her birthing supplies back into her trunk and then hugging her under the golden halo of the streetlights---that I had lived one of those great times. A time that will always be hung in space as significant.

So, to better remember, there on the sidewalk at 1:45AM, I pulled out my camera, squeezed my cheek against hers and held it out and snapped a memory. A little salute to one of my heroes.

So, here's to you, Martha, I feel so blessed to have knelt at the side of a laboring mother, next to you and to have peered over your shoulder as you worked and helped you lug your bags out to the car. I know that yours are big shoes, and I hope someday I'll be able to keep a pair on as I slosh down the road of midwifery. You're super inspiring.