35 Years, Pain and Pleasure....No Regrets

Today I am 35. Life is grand and heartbreaking and strange and beautifully poignant. Life is also dull and dragging and overwhelming. At 35 I am feeling more alive and fresh than I thought I would but I am also more grounded, at peace with crazy things and addicted to learning than I have ever been.

I am living a totally charmed life in many ways but have had some things happen to me that I never thought would occur, things that scared the living daylights out of me. I almost lost my marriage in my 30's. I got arrested and subsequently had to go to court to fight for my fitness as a parent. I held one of my sons in my arms while his lips turned blue and saw him pull back from the edge of death. I have lived in big houses and small apartments and historic properties and left "home" over and over. I've lost grandparents and aunts, had friends break-up with me spectacularly and had a neighbor decided to wage a massive war of hatred over our hedge because she was certain that I was a thief. I have become an aunt, raised baby animals, become a painter, traveled internationally and learned that extended family is one of the sweetest and most humbling gifts I've been given.

 Family drive us crazy but they know us. They help us learn tolerance and can teach us by their irritating rub, to grow past the demons that trip up the clan in all the familiar ways. As a wise man once said, "If you think you are enlightened, go home for Thanksgiving." Family also know us utterly and can accept us despite our super irritatingly uninhibited flaws that flash as soon as we feel "home" and relax. There is nothing like the security of siblings and cousins who tussled and tumbled with you and know the lore and jokes of your tribe. I know its very trendy right now to cut people out of your life if they rub, irritate or hurt you....I think, especially with family, its wiser to learn how to interact. Boundaries within interactions are good, maturity is good and compassion is a must. I am shocked how much I have learned the truth of the fact that that which drives me most monkey-bonkers crazy about my relatives is somehow a shadow quality in myself. Its embarrassing but its there. Not running away but instead learning to be strong and to co-exist with irritation and pain and to take responsibility for our own path, to learn to have allegiance, and even cultivate a fondness for these flawed people with whom we have been tossed up on the shores of life....who love and are driven crazy by us too in the same tortured dance. This is family and intimacy and humility and the great mirror that is long-term relationship.

I am lucky to be me. I am learning so  much about myself and about A and about life. I am utterly grateful for the peace and beauty of my life. The world is gorgeous and I have lived in it so lusciously, I lived a pretty charmed childhood in a log house my dad built by hand, I have four gorgeous sons and have never had a miscarriage, I have had my own chickens and fruit trees and vegetable gardens as well as so many beautiful flowers in every home I've ever had, I have never been in a natural disaster of any serious scale and have never seen someone die of anything besides old age.  I am also so grateful for the things that have happened to me that were painful. People have left me and accused me and hated me. I have been hurt and scared and have felt like I'd made a botch of everything. I have had to do things the hard way and felt like everything was a mess and my life was out of control. I've been embarrassed and felt out of my depth and Its been so good. That's where the growing has been, the humility, the changes, the grit and the healing. I'm so glad that I've had my path.

I'm trying to live with courage and heart and full-engagement. I am so proud of myself for my learning, my resilience and for protecting my sense of fresh amazement at the world. I feel so lucky to be in my life and yet so specifically called to it....I know my life was meant for me, We are all here, where we should be and our paths are divinely laid out. This is my 35th year....a perfect mid-life stopping point for reflection.  I hope I always keep learning, always look up, and always am receptive to God leading me on because my wiggly, slippery story is the most perfectly messy-delicious and useful lesson I could ever have imagined.

“This is an important lesson to remember when you're having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won't feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can't feel real joy unless you've felt heartache. You can't have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail. You can't know what it's like to feel holy until you know what it's like to feel really fucking evil. And you can't be birthed again until you've died.” -Kelly Cutrone

Small Faults and Foibles

List time! This time a short catalog of some of my smaller, sillier flaws.

33 Things I Still Screw Up All The Time

1. I still can't remember my own brother's birthday. Its either the 22nd of July or the 25th...I think. I remember what year he was born! What can I say.
2. I can't remember what blood pressure numbers mean without looking them up. My midwife says, "Great! 112 over...something-or-other!" and I look at her blankly. EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT. Blast. 
3. I am interested in government, I care about politics, I vote contentiously and I even enjoy watching West Wing in my spare time but I have no idea who the real-life Secretary of State is or the the current Chief of Staff. *wince*
4. I am still, almost always perpetually late to appointments...even though I try really hard now, have worn watches, own a cell with reminder system and built in clock, keep lists and carry a personal calendar. A's great bane.
5. I try to eat well but, wow do I still love KFC's popcorn chicken. Totally addicting.
6. I don't exercise. I hate exercise. I hate myself for hating exercise but I do. I hate my muscles hurting, I hate that ache in my side, I hate being around ultra-fit gym rats, I hate sweating. I do like yoga.
7. I can't work combination locks. I carried all of my books all the way through my public high school years rather than ever try to learn how to use my locker combination. I am also a wimp about humiliation.
8. I have a terrible ear. I have good tone and I really love music but, I have a hard time hearing what "in tune" is and my pitch wobbles all over the place. I'm totally mortified by this and I'm pretty embarrassed actually to sing in front of people because I feel powerless to even know when I'm making a fool out of myself. (and other reasons why I'll never make it on Broadway)
9. I never change the sheets often enough. I always mean to but, yeah. 
10. I have very, very low tolerance for road rage. I think its completely intolerable. How's that for slightly absurd?
11. My husband works in software and honestly, I have a hard time remembering if its Silicone or Silicon Valley. I try to avoid that word. 
12. I don't really know all of my times tables.
13. I buy brown rice, ready-made and frozen in boxes at Trader Joe's and almost never make it from scratch. Its so much quicker and easier and so versatile...plus its a convenience food I feel fairly moral about eating.
14. I can't keep its and it's straight in my head. A hates this one too.
15. I never remember to lock the door, turn off the thermostat when opening windows or check to make sure all the burners on the stove are off.
16. I buy magazines newsstand. And I even realize its a humongous waste of money. *wince wince wince*
17. I want to live organically, I am leaning towards earth mother chic and purposely buy the lowest chemical shampoos and conditioners I can find for my family but, I bleach my hair.
18. I basically never exfoliate my feet and they're pretty dry and calloused.
19. I let my sons get dirt under their fingernails and hardly ever comb their hair.
20. I bathe but once a week myself...if I'm lucky.
21. I am a genuine college graduate (bachelor's degree anyhow) and I have never made myself a real resume.
22. I always take out my earrings before bed but sometimes I leave on my make-up.
23. I hate prioritizing To Do Lists. I just refuse. 
24. I don't like much in the way of Christian style writing despite being committedly Christian myself.
25. I think lavender is stinky.
26. I don't know how to make fudge. I've tried a million times but, it always is horrible. My mother-in-law makes amazing fudge. This is very handy for A.
27. I can't pull off khakis decently. They make me look frumpy, fat or just dorky.
28. I don't understand football or baseball beyond the basic, "both teams try to make points by kicking/hitting ball in the appropriate direction."
29. I never really "got" U2 or The Dave Matthews Band.
30. I rarely go to bed with a shining sink, empty of all dirty dishes. 
31. I can't be bothered to learn or even write down my own sisters addresses. I call them from the Post Office a lot ("So, Foxy....here I am with a Sharpie, at the Post Office drop box and I'm wondering if I can get your address.")
32. I can never remember to air-dry our underwear or bathing suits, yeah they all end up in the dryer tumbling around on high heat just like everything else...every single time.
33. I have always been a lousy swimmer. I can swim but, I'll never go Olympic, that's for sure.

So, there you have it. I'm just that human.