"She refused to be bored, chiefly because she wasn't boring." Zelda Fitzgerald

Friday, November 14, 2014

Never Giving Up On My Journal

I have been absent from paper journals for a few years. Like maybe 10 years. In my single days I was a pretty avid journal keeper. I filled several books, granted....mostly with drivel, but faithful drivel. I have been blogging which some people might say is "the same thing" but no, its not. Very few people blog the same kind of personal, raw, introspective, sometimes tedious things that we pour out in our journals.

I think I stopped writing shortly after I met A....there are a few entries through our early marriage and I think it really stopped completely after Ru was born. The only other personal writing that I have done is some dream journalling...trying to keep a written record of significant dreams upon waking. Also cool but different.

This year I went on a retreat and one of the things I came home with was that I needed to start journalling. I think one of the things that was holding me back is that life is hard and sometimes its rough to actively process the reality of it all by writing it down on paper. I've just come through a really tough period in my marriage and am also starting to feel like I am making real progress with parenting which are both super scary and huge and some piece of me wants to just avoid mentally engaging sometimes...especially with my inner self. I like to hide from the shadow pieces of me, the things that are hard or dark or angry or bitter and I like to avoid processing the really sticky and complicated, even overwhelming things because I hate conflict...even inner conflict. That said, this recent progress in my marriage and parenting is almost completely due to a new grit, a new determination to look at all the realities, to say hard things, to be honest, to be terrified and not run, to be angry and allow it to happen, to try harder and solve things and grow. Journalling came back.

I'm journalling differently this time. I'm the current me journalling, in my current stage of life. I journal short bits, phrases that strike me, things I am studying in nature with the kids, doodles, intense ideas that I just need to write down and want to come back to later, I write for 5-10 minutes at a time, I allow gaps....even long ones. No topic is off-limits, no medium or kind of writing or use of the book is forbidden. I'm opening up what journalling means to me and letting it be a place where I write whatever I want. I'm excited about coming back to it, about revitalizing something that got scary and dull at the same time, learning new ways to do things, not being a quitter and chewing on my own inner storyline.

Grow, people. Write. Draw. Sing. Play your thoughts out somehow, have a place to digest, face your nightmares, allow fooling around somehow in your life, be the dynamic sort.


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