Double Peace

Am back to the drawing board, looking for ways to find the margin and buffer I need to lubricate my life. I have been trying to get up early in the morning and find a little private space before the family gets up. But after a long time battling the urge I am finally admitting that I kind of need space at each end of the day. Last night I had a yoga class and came home after a wonderful meditation session, my spirit warm to touch and went right to bed like a good girl.

 And then I got back out of bed.

And came downstairs.

I wasn't up for long but I needed to be alone. I needed to hear the crickets out the window, to swish the broom alone by myself, to see the cleared and wiped down table gleam in the moonlight and to hear the tiny squeaking conversations of the guinea pigs in the other room and the drip of the tabletop fountain without the sound of any human voice, even to just lie on the floor on my back and listen to the hum of the house itself and feel the boards cool under my hands.

I'm not sure how that works out...the space at both ends of the day thing but I think I'm gonna try to find a way. I love the chance to prepare for a day alone but it doesn't replace my almost desperate urge to recover from a day that just pounded me or even jostled me about in a friendly sort of way. I love the chance to feel myself, to see peaceful emptiness and the recover a little before being asked to rest. I hate lying in bed next to A while he drifts off promptly when there is a sink full of dirty dishes downstairs and I know full well that the potty chair didn't get emptied out. This is about completing work and making sure my slate is wiped clean but its also about psychological recovery and mental space and letting my inner self come creeping out and go pirouetting around in the moonlit rooms when everyone else is asleep. 

I think part of the problem is that by morning Pom has almost invariably ended up in our bed and when I try to sneak out of bed in the morning I often end up taking him with me because otherwise he wakes up the whole household wailing for me. Good to be wanted but...yeah. I do miss my candle-lit reading hour, just me alone curled up on the couch while the sun rises. Nothing like slightly invaded morning time to make you admit your love of private nights after everyone else is in bed. So yeah. Not sure how this will work out. Still need to experiment and think about it...maybe brainstorm with A a bit and try a couple of incarnations. I am certain peace is a worth a little effort and creativity.

“We shall find peace. We shall hear angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds.”
― Anton Chekhov

Running: Part Deux

Image via Wikipedia

I am still running. I have been at it for three weeks now. I can scarcely believe it, really. That sounds terribly, horribly cliche but it is so true. Every single time I run I come home and spend a half an hour saying aloud to A, "I did it! I went running. Again. Can you believe it?" and pinching myself. I'm practically black and blue from all the pinch marks.

I am using the Couch to 5K program that I have heard much lauded. Several friends of mine have used the system to great effect themselves. It basically is a training system that is set up to take you from sedentary activity level to 5K running level in an entirely sane, baby step method. I never feel like I am dying when I am running now, (I always pushed it too hard, and too long on my own) and I am steadily improving and climbing the systems upping difficulty levels. I used to feel like my heart was going explode out of my chest and like my lungs were on being hit with a sandblaster, scrubbing them out of my ribcage with an acid fire. My legs would shake and I would sometimes get spotty vision and feel fainty. This program is hard but I never feel like I'm about to pass out and about as bad as it gets is feeling a little wobbly when am getting to the end and feeling occasional shortness of breath. Honestly, the worst part of running for me at this point is the voices in my head that cackle horrible downer comments in my ear as I'm beginning. I have found I can largely drown them out by listening to music. I also recommend search for iPhone apps for running as there are some wonderful tools out there. I use one of them to track when I should run and verbally coach me through my headphones as I go. I love hearing the British woman's encouragement, "You have only 15 more seconds of running remaining! Keep going!"

Last night I ran three times the length of time that I ran in my time out. I am really truly a runner and I can feel physically that, ever so subtle is happening to me. I don't really dread running nearly as much as I once did and the afterglow is positively crave-worthy. I thought everyone was making up that "runner's high" hokum but I'm telling you folks, it is a genuinely fabulous and very real phenomenon, at least for me. I come in and lie on the floor in the sunroom with the baby patting me or flop on the bed next to A while he "hmmm's" and "uhmm's" his way through some mysterious iPhone interchange and I levitate. I feel like my body buzzes and glows for a while after I come back. I have an immense sense of well-being mentally, I feel happy, even if the whole day up until that point has been a bust and I smile, for no real tangible reason. Somehow, the fact that I went outdoors and moved quickly down the sidewalk, making clomping noises like the local horse, panting out belches of steam and then came wobbling back to my own from door is enough to set my body at perfect equilibrium and solve all problems.

I have reached a not-to-be-believed stage in my life when I want to run! I can't wait for the next time I go out. I can't wait to find myself stretching out in the black night: the thud of the pavement below me, The Pleiades sailing overhead. I feel like such a grown-up: learning to love something that was my nemesis, being healthier, enjoying good things, making myself do something really hard. Gosh, it's good to be an adult, eh?

Next up, once the pavement is warmer and the hiking trails open?

Barefoot running.

Related articles

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• Last I Ran Barefoot, Yes, You Heard Right, Barefoot (momblognetwork.com)

Run Carlie, Run

Well friends, I can't rightly believe it myself but, it's true...last night, I went running by myself, for the first time in my life.

I had made an amendment resolution that besides just doing yoga in the mornings, five days a week, I'd  do one aerobic workout on the weekends. A huge, huge thing for me to promise. I hate aerobic workouts. But friends, there are lungs and a heart, not just leg muscles to stretch and a mind to relax so I bit the bullet. It's a new year, it's a new me.

And yeah, my friend Sam has been inspiring my eyeballs out, AND my friend Anna, two non-runners who suddenly positively athletic. I had told myself that once it was warm out, I'd run outdoors like Sam was. (Barefoot running! So exciting!) Yeah. Barefoot running will be cool, and I sure can't wait for outdoor warmth again but if I'm doing an aerobic something anyhow...why not run now. And then I forgot about it. Heh.

And then there I was last night, reading a book in which a woman makes positive life-changes (one of which is exercise) and I remembered..."Oh crud. I was supposed to run this weekend. I blew that." And then, I realized it was still Sunday night and before I lost my nerve, I dug my old tennis shoes out of the closet, pulled on a sweatshirt, a scarf and a hat and bolted out the door.

I didn't do anything impressive. I went around the block. And I don't mean I ran around the block. I ran down one side of our block and I walked the rest, in slight pain from the running bit. It hurt and I felt fat and pathetic and super uncool but, I also was so proud of myself and the night wasn't nearly as painfully cold as I'd imagined and there was Orion winking brightly over the corner of our neighbor's roof. So, that was something.

I'm trying to block the memory of the searing burn in my lungs and just ride the high of finally being big enough to do something good, even if it's hard and scary. Next Sunday night, you know where I'll be.

Winter Light Show

Overlooked winter fact: Cold weather sunsets are stunning! (especially from the inside of a toasty car)

One of the items on my long To Do Before Dying list is "watch the sunset every single night for a whole year." I still haven't done it although sometime here it's going to show up on my resolution list. That said, lately, I'm running a little accidental warm-up routine thanks to one-car-family-life.

I think of sunsets as being summer happenings. That's kind of silly in some ways, we do have a sun even when there is snow on the ground after all! On the other hand, I think I've never really consciously watched for the sunset in winter. Here's why:  since  the old adage "red sky at night, sailor's delight" means that a vivid crimson streaked sunset means a hot, sunny day to follow I assumed conversely, in winter (since we don't get hot, sunny weather) every evening would be met with a tepid, pale end as the sun sank lustrously below the horizon. This, my dear readers, is how old wives tales are formed. Heh.

I couldn't have been more off. Because I'm at least twice a week (three times this week!) driving A to and from work, at this particular time of year we are rolling our way down the highway to fetch him at exactly the same time the sun is setting up for a glorious show. I was right on one small detail, there's little to no red in the evening sky at the moment...that said, who needs the red when you have January's luminous gold with blue and purple puffs of cloud as garnish! I am truly struck and have taken to bringing the camera with me to capture the glow. I can see a sunset painting in my future. I keep taking these photos...more and more views of this glowing winter sky that I would have missed altogether if we were living luxuriously with two cars. Small gifts, people, small gifts.

If you find yourself outdoors lately, around sunset...don't assume it's bland just because the weather is chill...go take a gander at the winter gold and think of me out there, snapping away happily on my way down 95.

Oh Christmas Tree!

The smell of gingerbread wafting up from the oven downstairs is buoying me on into sharing our little Christmas tree story. There is little more in life to make you feel completely festive than warm gingerbread. I really didn't like it as a kid, but I sure do love it now.

Anyhow, on to the tree tale:

First we went a-looking. We like to go to a family owned stand of evergreens where we are handed a band saw and sent off with our custom fashioned tree cart to search among the spruces until we find just the perfect tree. We have been here three years running for our tree. It hits just the perfect notes for me, family owned, modest in size and selection and cut-your-own in the grass rootsiest manner possible.

The family members at least three generations of owners are all out chatting together, tying up bows and wreaths cozily in a little lean-to that houses a super charming miniature wood stove for warming the hands of the babies and the propped up boots of the grandpas. The stove crackles and some member or other leaps up to hand out a saw or net bag the tree of choice.

They all wear black and red plaid flannel and every year I wonder if it is their family tartan and don't have the bravery to ask any of them out loud. I have to admit that its a very cheery uniform, apple red and black checks were peeking out from Carharts, layered under jackets and even snugly buttoned around the baby in attendence.

So, we picked the perfect tree. (Sorry, I got all carried away about the flannel there.) We have a blue spruce this year instead of the white spruce we've had for the past two years. And Ru pulled the tree cart up to the lean-to again, a feat I was mightily impressed by in a three year old, but still found quite astounding for a little four year old tyke.

We tied the tree on top of the car,  (Such a cold job this year with a biting wind whipping us and flipping the twine all over the place) and then we sailed off home.

We waited one night because there were way too many things on our To Do List still when we pulled in the driveway with the tree...and then we opened the Rubbermaid tubs where I store all the holiday paraphernalia. The boys were big enough to be quite aware and helpful in the decoration process. Ru helped A twirl lights around the tree, we added our garland of tinsel (just one, gold) and then looped on the Mardi Gras beads that we use for extra  kid-friendly glitz.

Meanwhile, Dee discovered the strands of extra lights and disappeared to the hall outlet to experiment with plugging in and unplugging. He was completely fascinated with the whole business. Hang, the rest of the decorations...this electricity stuff was waaaaay cooler. I don't believe we really saw him again all night.

Then, we pulled the ornaments out and I separated them into Daddy ornaments (the breakables) and kid ornaments (the plastic, wooden and paper variety) and we hung the tree with all manner of lovely orbs and gizmos.

At this point A had to whisk the boys upstairs for bed and he volunteered to even take Nib so that I found myself alone in the living room with the soft glow of Christmas lights, a few precious ornaments from my grandparents collection and a small bagful of icicles. I love icicles. The plastic silvery strands that you hang from the tips of the outermost branches. I always wished we could have them as a child and am no end of thrilled every Christmas at the sparkling creature my tree becomes when all those glittering bits all over it. I think sparkle is key to holiday decor.

It was lovely to have a few private moments to hang the special ornaments and the sprinkle glitter everywhere. When A came back down with a lip-smacking Nib on his arm in a half an hour I was all aglow with my moment of Silent Night and felt like the halls had been decked in the very best way.

Merry Christmas all!

Keeping The Sheets Dry

 

"How do we keep the beds dry? Am sick of changing sheets. Have been pottying boys before they get in bed. They are dry during day. Both wet copiously at nap and night. Wearing diapers doesn't help, the sheets are soaked as are their clothes even with a diaper on. A is over generous with the water but have heard this doesn't matter anyhow. Meh. Now what?"

I wrote the above a few months ago and even though I never posted it, I thought I'd deal with the topic with my new updated information and response.

First of all, I think the big reason why this whole topic of bedwetting matters so much to me is that I was a late bedwetter. Who doesn't want to help their little ones avoid the things that haunt them from their own childhood? This was a completely and totally embarrassing part of my early years (forget slumber parties) and something I would LOVE to make sure my children never go through. Thus my jumpy trigger finger.

Yeah, and then, I couldn't help but notice that I knew a child or two who was reportedly totally dry every night. (insert vague shrug from their mother) *wince wince wince* What is wrong with my child? Argh! What was wrong with me? Did I give them mutant genes?

Now, my oldest is only four so I was vastly comforted when I read that bedwetting is not even considered an issue of any concern until over the age of six. Whew. So, step one: My kid is not abnormal. Relax and wait for child/children to get older.

Step two: How to handle the wet sheets and inability of diapers to catch it all.

Truly, it was simple. I was in the store buying my usual bales of diapers and I accidentally noticed Huggies makes a special extra absorbant diaper, especially for nighttime. (Clue number two that I am not a mutant or raising one.)

Yep. And they work. And I can go back to a non-daily sheet changing schedule. Life is good. Thank you God that people keep inventing things.

Spa Night and A Favorite Site

Well, Friday is here and with it, a cozy weekend. We have small plans, things like "make a loaf of bread" and "walk through the flowers" and nothing terribly ambitious. Its a good time of year to not be very ambitious. So yummy and lazy out.

We're starting off the weekend in fine style with a wonderful night of couple spa time. Foot soaks, massages and languid sitting around together. I am ready.

While we soak our tooties...why don't you take in one of my very favorite sites that makes me extremely happy. Young Me, Now Me. Such genius. Some of the photos are amazing. I plan to do one of my own (not for the site persay but, maybe just for you folks here)...someday.

I hope your weekend is wonderful, your children hug you, and that whether you have rain or sun, you take a moment to breath deeply and really smell it coming down around you.

 

Romantic Stargazing

Tonight A took me out for a date I forgot we even had scheduled, a night at the local astronomical observatory together. I sure did think of my brother-in-law, Doubleddog's husband, who is quite the night sky nut. I know he would have loved to be there with us, peeking through that giant telescope at all the twinkles in the dark.

It was a great date. Never mind that I forgot entirely about our plans and never did pack the  goods the boys needed (pajamas, toys, snacks, diapers for nighttime) for the drop-off at their sitters and who really cared that it totally slipped my mind to remember to make us a picnic dinner so that we wouldn't starve. We happened on a super cute little taqueria and had amazing tacos de bistec and camerones and all regrets vanished. Too bad the lengue was still in the pressure cooker and wasn't available for tacos yet. We'll have to go back.

At the observatory we were instructed carefully which eye-piece to look through and told that touching the telescope in any way was absolutely verbotten. Hazard of working with very sensative instruments, I guess. This super cute grandpa astronomer was manning scope tonight and walked us through peeking at Mars, Saturn (cool view of the rings tonight along with four of its moons!) and one pair of twin stars. Never really heard of twin stars before (stars that orbit each other quite closely) and wouldn't have ever known it was Mars I was seeing without being told so but, Saturn was stinking cool and pretty obvious. It looked like a cocktail olive...skewered by its rings, running straight up and down tonight and then the glittering sprinkle of its four moons on either end of the toothpick. Grandpa Astronomer told us that the brightest glitter speck was Titan.

L

Love the last line of this note by the observatory doorbell.

After we enjoyed the scope and chatted for a bit, we went out on the observatory deck and sat back in the warm spring air to gaze at the mixture of plane lights from La Guardia and stars. We can see more stars here than I thought and I even managed to find the Big Dipper. (Don't laugh....I stink at finding constellations and can normally only locate Orion and the Pleiades) Good fun to mix it up a little and try paying attention to a different part of nature that we normally don't spend a lot of time on as a couple. I'm pretty Earth focused and macro focused even within earthbound nature experience but, its good to remember that there's a lot more out there still.

Discovering Similes At Night

So, pretty much every night after the kids are "supposed to be in bed" we have one of those shouting-down-the-hallway-in-the-dark conversations with Ru. I hate them. So annoying...such a stalling technique. Why do they not just go to sleep? Take for instance, this little snippet of dialogue from last night.

"Mommy?"
"What Ru?"
"Will you make me breakfast?"
"Yes, in the morning. Go to sleep!"
"I love you Mommy!"
"I love you too, sleep now."
"Daddy? Will you keep me safe?"
"Yes, Ru...I will. Goodnight!"
*silence*
(maybe he's asleep!)
"Mommy?"
(crap) "Yes Ru?" *sigh*
"Do you know how much I love you Mommy?"
*me pausing, smiling in the dark*
"How much Ru?"
"Mommy, I love you just like a bee loves a flower!"
"I'm so glad Ru! I'll see you in the morning."

*melt melt melt melt melt melt* 

I love it when my kids catch me off guard in sweet ways. Counter-acts all the times when I wind up sobbing and completely disheveled, heaving into A's shoulder, "I don't know how to do this parenting thing!" and suddenly, everything is worth it and the world is absolutely okay.