The Movers And The Stayers

Summer is here, and I have not been. That's the way with these warm weather months....all digging in the yard until way too late to make a proper supper by accident, reading way too many books and going on way too many exciting outings, catching up with all the friends and forgetting entirely those I communicate with online and far away. Please, let's pick up where we left off and carry-on with grace flowing around us to fill in all the gaps and distances and things I forgot to share and mention. We'll all catch up, shall we?

First of all, the elephant in the room we went on a stupendous trip to Italy. Totally amazing.

I have to write a post on several of the things I thought about our trip. So much to process and so much to share....more on that later.

Secondly, so much else is going on with us. One of my very close friends is moving away, the garden in our second year here at Orange Blossom Cottage is finally starting to come into its own, we had a really fun trip home to Michigan to see so much wonderful family, I have been doing some homeschooling public speaking this summer, and we are still ever in pursuit of giving ourselves a rich vibrant life with lots of space and breathing room in it.

Having a close friend move is a new experience for me as an adult. I realized once when talking with my husband that I had never been dumped by a boyfriend...although I'd dumped guys several times. It was a strange self-discovery. Did that mean I was selfish, pompous, picky, or lucky? I felt like I had kind of missed out on a rite of passage and the ability to claim normalcy in some tiny way. Weird how all the things mean things sometimes. Having a girlfriend move away and leave me is like this too. I have left several times, been guilt tripped, sobbed over and begged to stay. I've had people tell me they could never replace me, that they were mad at me because I had to move or resentful because I didn't consider them in my life location plans. But, through all of that I have always kind of played the same role. Tried to thank the stayers for their love, their loyal affection, their sharing of their time and lives and feelings and tried to walk the balance of showing just enough of my own feelings about moving to make sure that my humanity shows but be strong enough to comfort my friends and help them imagine a good future while not letting the negativity and depressing guilt get to me. I've never been the stayer. My gal is leaving and while I don't resent her adventure or the stress of packing up and shifting all her worldly goods to a new state....its surprisingly complicated for me too....even though I have no real clear role in the moving and shaking. I'm all conflicted about how much to show my cards with her. Do I cry in front of her, tell her exactly what she means to me or try to just keep it light and cheer her on while crying on my own time? Or is it some back and forth seesaw of behaviors. I don't want to be clingy and desperate but of course I'd love to make sure she knows that I care and that I will deeply, rawly miss her when she's suddenly not there for random roadside berry picking and hilarious girl's nights.

This relationship stuff gets me in to trouble in my marriage too. I want to be strong and independent and never have my husband be suffocated by trying to "be there for me" but I really want to be real and open and wear my heart dissected open on my sleeve. I think the thing that really gets me is that I so badly want reciprocity. I want to be sure that I share like he shares, that he wants my dirt and my pain as well as my hips and my best jokes. I start to feel gun-shy when its not clear that we want the same depth. Nobody wants to realize retroactively that they were an over-sharer. Ain't nobody got time for that!

I worry about this kind of thing with my friend too. I want to communicate my pain at her loss and my adoration of who she has been in my life at exactly the same level she discloses with me. I'm not sure I want to feel the same...just control what I tell her to visibly be her emotional twin. I'm always the emotional one, the deep feeler, the raw transmitter and sometimes its fatiguing to be judged as the eternal mess or the out of control girl or the person who is never done processing. I don't mean to be that way and when my feelings stay inside of me it mostly doesn't feel that way....its only when I leak them in disproportionate amounts and people get their measuring tools out and point them my way that I look a mess and seem like a problem. I wish there was a neat way to let my friend know that I will miss her exactly as wildly and deeply as she misses me and that I will probably culture some even darker and deeper feelings that she'll never know too and it all means that she's been really very special to me and I wish her the world. I'm lousy at being what people expect or want although I am one of the most people aware and over observant humans I know. Its tough to wish you could be just right and feel blind about making it happen. Moving is hard, even if you're staying.

Good thing there is shiny, crinkly swiss chard in the garden and orange roses by my front door, the sound of children's laughter in my yard and more phone calls than I can answer from people who love me. Summer ain't so very bad, even if its lumpy in places.

Sick and Reminiscing

We are all laying low today. We were hit with a wallop of illness on our way back home and it has only gathered strength  in the last day or so. Today was pajama, movies on the couch, bottomless cups of tea kind of day. Lots of sleeping, a little brow wiping, and lots of low energy mass lethargy.

In our season of convelesence I thought I'd share some of the warm little moments from our wild trip back to Michigan Daddy-less. Lots of great moments, special Northern beauty, great family and a full stock of happiness.  This is Michigan in March.

I think I'll go turn on the kettle again and take another nap. The baby has gone back to sleep on my lap and there are fluffy clouds floating in teh blue sky that I can watch out my bedroom window if I angle the right way on my bed. Survival. Its a survival game.

The Late Winter Crawl

The baby has learnt to crawl. Suddenly I am aware again of every open doorway, our looming stairs, and the cords in every room that he so dearly loves to chew on. We are also in the midst of the human-carpet-sweeper stage, every little crumb and scrap of paper and stray bit of styrafoam is edible if it comes anywhere near his now-perfect pincer reach. Life is about to get really, really energetic. Its a season of movement and experimentation. Go!

I have my annual case of spring fever. I can feel it bubbling up inside of me and sometimes foaming out my ears without warning. I am positively magnetically drawn to the bundles of cut daffodils in the grocery store. I cannot escape the place without a cluster or two in my paw. I have started seeds for the veggie garden and have packets full of warmer weather seeds sitting by for wistful fondling. Time to grow some sprouts for sandwiches to fend off the blues.  Right?

The weather has been sunny and the morning sunrise occasionally breathtaking and I can palpably feel the days lengthening. I am praying morning prayer as a Lenten resolution using a Divine Office app on my phone in the middle of the morning which feels like the right thing to do after having seen a stunning sunrise. I have candles to light in my Mama Space in the sunroom and a little tabletop fountain to tinkle wetly in the background too, a beautiful prayer space. If I pray upstairs, where I write, outside my writing window I can see sapsicles hanging from the broken branches of the big sugar maple if the day is cold and chill sometimes a squirrel nibbling the sweet ice and bounding away to check out the tasty goodies on our compost pile.

This week A is taking a breather week before beginning his new job (that exciting, new life phase that will require thrift!) so we are doing lots of sitting around together and watching intriguing TED Talks at night and having slow mornings. There are just a few days left and then he will be off to train for two weeks in California leaving me and The Little Fellas for a fourteen day solo run. I am packing all of us in the car and taking off for Michigan to do some maple sugaring and maybe a little ice fishing with my parents in the north woods to keep us peppy and occupied. Good times ahead and lots of great blogging of the adventures along the way!

The Fresh Apple

I forget every year just how good an apple tastes. A real apple. An apple that grew near you. An apple picked from an actual tree. An apple that drips juice on your chin and tastes like the rusty leaves, like the nippy wind, like the tart chill in the air.

Ru turning the press wheel.

Apple cider! At least in small quantity.

My boys wild apple picking with Big Grandpa (my dad) last fall.

I no longer buy oranges unless its the dead of winter and I think this year I'm done buying apples unless its fall. Yes, they are edible all year round but they become a bland, pale shadow of themselves, something that gets old so fast its hard to time it. I really love a good apple but every year when it is apple time I have to polish off my enthusiasm and convince myself to go apple picking because a whole year of completely pitiful, mediocre grocery store apples has stolen their thunder. I don't hate regular apples, they're edible I just don't actively like them either and they are so ubiquitous and so overdone that they completely steal the thunder of a real ripe tree fruit.

Wild Michigan apples come in a.....

....beautifully varied palette.

Our homeschool co-op plans field trips most fridays once the weather turns nippy. This week they planned a pint-sized, cider pressing instruction. Pretty darn cute! My little boys were big fans.  I think Ru would like a cider press for our backyard so that he could spend some time every day feeling really important, turning that big crank.

Fallen apples at one of our local orchards.

Red Delicious on the branch!

We don't really buy store-bought juice at our house but we do occasionally indulge in cider in the fall. (Especially if we can find it raw!) Cider feels more authentic to me than most juice. I fondly remember romping around as a little girl at chilly, annual cider pressings with our local congregation and also at least once as a deal split between two families sharing the sweet rewards of all the apple picking and the use of a borrowed press. I grew up in a place where there are wild apple trees on every corner. Getting fresh apples is as simple as harvesting them from an ancient roadside orchard or craggy wild tree down the nearest lane. Most of them simply go to waste although a few are gathered up for deer, bait piles for hunting season and never even tasted by a local human.

Big Grandma and Big Grandpa, my parents with Ru, after a wild apple ramble.

Here in Connecticut they are slightly harder to come by. I know where one wild tree is but mostly we pay money to be let into a cultivated orchard in counties north or east of us. I'm okay with that though, the fruit snaps when bitten and the flavors are nothing, nothing you can buy in May in the corner grocery store. 

Foxy Rocks Decorating

Foxy, and her son, my darling nephew.

My sister Foxy is a fabulously inspiring person.She's one of those people who takes on challenges with gritted teeth and a war cry. She is also a person of unbelievable resilience and flair. She's a veteran, an ex-fire fighter, a great cook, a step mom, a mother and a gardener to boot not to mention fashion-plate, brilliant home renovator and maker of the very best chocolate milk around. She is one of those people I have often called when I feel at my bottom and she always tells me to keep on. For years I kept a little Post-It note on the corner of my computer screen where I scribbled something she told me once on a bad day, "The tide will come back in and will bring with new wonderful things!"

English: A small pad of Post-It notes. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We all need people of this caliber in our lives. Impressive, forgiving, funny, thoughtful, forever in our corner types. I hope you have one or two, if not...get looking...they're really valuable stuff. If you're in Kalamazoo, Michigan I recommend my sister...Foxy is top notch.

The whole shebang.

One of the most wonderful things that we did on this last trip to Michigan last week was stop and see Foxy and her family. They live a very frugal life, and travel money isn't always on the books so it had been a long time since we were together. Not only did I get to see her but my entire family (6 kids y'all!) converged on her house for lunch and noshing. A tasty and nostalgic time was had by all and we even managed to get a great big family picture with every single person looking at the camera!

Cousins, just playin' in the yard. Best ever.

Foxy's suave husband.

And people...in the midst of their well pump being out, her sweet husband being between jobs and her working insane swing shifts....I was inspired all over again. How does she do it??? In the middle of all of the stress and short ends in their life right now she and her husband are working hard on their house, constantly rearranging things and trying to figure out how to make better with what they have. I love their place. They live in a suburban neighborhood in a fixer-upper house they are slowly remodeling with an acre of beautiful fenced yard: a gigantic spreading cherry tree and the perfect childhood swing, a vegetable garden, and lots of creative spots for kid play. My children are in heaven the entire time we're visiting.

Foxy, my spritely niece, and my other sister Lockbox.

Sprite holding her baby cousin, Pom.

I love her can-do spirit her artistic vision and her romantic sensibilities. I've always said she had amazing innate ideas about taste and aesthetic. I am ever more sure that its true after this visit. As usual she's been busy shifting around the details of her house and thinking of clever things I wish I'd discovered. I had to share my favorite bits and bobs with you.

She made this little play-tent from an old sheet, a golden scrap of fabric, a hula-hoop and a little ribbon! Amazing or what?!?$

She's a decorating wizard and all around impressive person. I think I won the sister lotto! And this is only one of my amazing siblings if you can believe it. Hot diggity dog...my parents had it goin' on!